Sober to death

Chapter 5

The next morning and the morning after and after that and so on, they went for dance practice and then for recording and then for photoshots and then back home and back in practice again.

A sudden routine was formed and silence covered every corner of the dorms.
And Hyunjin hated it.
He hated that they seemed to forget what had happened.
He hated that Chan had stopped being worried.
He hated that Jisung looked as if everything was just like before.

But nothing could ever be just like before.

Jisung attempted suicide.

Hyunjin found him.

And since then his own terrible internal voice full of hatred awakend.
The nightmares started again.
Everything was just like before, but not the teams before... his before.
Everything that had occured brought him ten steps back.

...

"Chan... I want you to know that I love you, all of you, so much. I am so sorry for the damage I've caused. I promise to stop now. I'll stop now. Please, tell everyone I love them. Goodnight... please don't forget me."

That was the voice message Chan had received from Hyunjin.
That's what made him run, not for his life, but for Hyunjin's towards his parents' apartment.
That's what made him break the door down after having permission from Hyunjin's mother.
That's what made his scream and cry till his lungs were burning and his legs collapsed.

Everything was just so so purple.
Even the light.
His skin had turned a dark purple shade, his lips were grey. He was hanging from the ceiling and Chan was quick to cut off the rope and free Hyunjin's fragile body.
He was quick to free his badly bruised up neck.
He was so quick that the neck wasn't broken.
He was so quick that there was still a chance.
He was so quick that Hyunjin lived.

He hadn’t noticed the first time he was committing on the Mapo Bridge but he was quick to run with the other two to the police station and this time he was quicker.

And to this day, Hyunjin doesn't know if that was a blessing or a curse.

Maybe he leaned towards the second option as... he saw that.
Jisung in the bathtub, the same shade as his while he was hanging from the ceiling in his childhood bedroom and litres of blood were oozing out of his badly cut arms and wrists and legs and God Hyunjjn almost saw himself and that moment more than ever he wished he had the chance, the chance to die.

He couldn't handle this.
Not Jisung dead.
No.
This was supposed to be him.
It was his turn.
It shouldn't have been Jisung.
No, it should have been him.
Why was he alive?
He should have died!
He should-

...

"No, no, no. Hey, Hyunie. Wake up. It's okay. It's fine, you're okay. Don't worry I've got you. Shhh."

"Felix?"

"Shhh. I know, I know. It hurts. It's going to be okay. I love you, okay? We all do. It's going to be fine. Sleep. I'm here, I'm not leaving."

...

Once the thought of death enters your mind, it gets trapped in the maze made out of non-coherent  thoughts and ideas.

Once you start thinking about death more and more frequently, you get used to it at one point.

Once death is a part of your everyday life, that's when you know that there may be no way back.

No way back to how you used to be. No way back to when, dying wasn't a part of your fears and your plans.

No way back to your own self.