paranoid | joe jonas

six

Spencer Daniels

I walked up to the front door of Joe's apartment, I was nervous and scared and honestly, dropping by unannounced probably wasn't the best thing for me to do. He was in the middle of starting his solo career, and the band had broken up. Him and his brothers haven't spoken to each other in months, and he was in a completely different mindset, and stage of life from anything I've ever seen him in, in my life.

It was scary, I was worried. But of course he would never see it like that. He would see it as me being little nagging Spencer, constantly checking in on him, and it ending in him getting defensive and biting my head off. Our conversations weren't the same as they used to be, and his attitude was unpredictable.

I didn't even realize I was knocking, but when the door opened and he stood there looking at me confused I realized I had no idea what was happening to me and I had no control over it.

"Spencer, what are you doing here?" He asked. "I just dropped by to see how you were doing, and see if maybe you wanted to have a movie night like old times.." I said. "I'm fine. come in." he said. He never said if he wanted to have a movie night and I could tell his attitude wasn't going to let that happen, but he invited me in anyways. I looked around at the moving boxes in the apartment, and the empty walls. "Are you moving?" I asked. "Yep." He said. "When?" I asked. "Two weeks." He said. "looks like you're leaving tomorrow. There's barely anything in here. Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "I don't have to tell you everything Spencer. I know you're looking out for me, but I'm grown, and can make decisions for myself without having people down my throat asking me questions." He snapped. He poured himself another drink in the kitchen and I just stood there, stunned and staring a hole through him.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to smother. I was just asking. It's just a little weird for you to just up and move and not tell anybody anything." I said. "I've told the people that mattered." He said. I blinked multiple times, trying to make sure I was actually awake and that he actually just said that. He starting walking towards me, "Spence, I didn't mean it like that. I meant like I told my parents." He said. He reached for my arm, but I pulled it back. "No Joe. You meant it, you said it so casually, so I know you know it's true. I don't matter anymore, and that's fine. I just wish you would've been honest with me. Us. My family who is your second family, me, your best friend, you brothers. What the fuck is going on Joe? Are you having some kind of mental breakdown? Do we need to put you on suicide watch?" I asked. I had tears building in my eyes. This wasn't the conversation I came here to have, but I was tired of tip-toeing around what was really happening.

"God Spencer, I'm fine. I'm fucking fine. There is nothing to talk about, there is nothing to discuss, and if I did have something I wanted to talk about, it would be with Nick. He's the one that made this decision and blind sighted all of us by it, and yeah I'm hurt. okay. Is that what you want to hear?" He yelled. "No, it's not what I want to hear because I already know that. It's not about how you're acting or how you're feeling, it's about what you're not saying. The secrecy, and the mood swings. That's because you're holding stuff in, and if you don't want to tell me, fine. Maybe it's none of my business, but I love you Joe... and I care about you." I said. He just gave me a blank stare, "Yeah I love you too." He said. "No. Like more than friends, more than anybody I've ever met. That's what I came over here to finally tell you because I wanted to do the right thing and not keep things inside. I want to talk to people about the way I'm feeling, and I was tired of living my life, and you not knowing. It wasn't fair to me. But honestly it doesn't matter because I'm sorry I even came over here. Good luck with your future, and everything you do Joe. I wish you the best I truly do." I said. I reached for the door handle, and he grabbed my arm, spinning me around to look at him.

He kissed me softly, before pulling away. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I knew that kiss meant goodbye more than anything else. "I'm sorry spence. I didn't know." He said. "What were you expecting to happen when we were together almost all the time, kissed, held hands, slept together. What did you expect?" I asked. " I don't know. I just figured there was always tension there, and it would be stupid for us to not figure out what it meant." He said. "and what did it mean?" I asked. "I don't know." He said. "Obviously nothing because you were going to leave without a word." I said. "No I still had two weeks to tell you." He said. "Two weeks?! you think that's something great? how long have you known?" I asked. " A month." He said. "You've been sitting on this for a month, and when it came down to you leaving and never looking back you were going to be gone and there was nothing to do about it. that's what I'm talking about. You kept it a secret and never mentioned it. You just proved my point." I said. "Well I'm sorry you felt like that. I don't know what you want me to do." He said. "it's fine. You've already done everything you needed to do." I said.

I was finally able to open the door without him pulling me back, and when I did the cold air hit me straight in the face, making the tears completely fall from my eyes. "I'm just busy Spencer. That's all. I have a lot going on." He said. "I know, and god forbid I hold you back." I said.

So I walked to my car, and drove out of his street, for the last time. He'd never be back in that apartment, and he'd never be standing there a wreck telling me he didn't have time for me and my feelings, and concerns. I was home for Christmas break, and I promise, from now on Christmas would have a different feeling.