Ineffable Family

Chapter 7

PLAYLIST:

Unsteady (Lucifer edit) by XAmbassadors

Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato

BIG TWs: anxiety, body dysphoria, feeling inadequate, self-loathing, gender identity, implied homophobia

As the baby grew, so did Crowley's fears. It wasn't hormones; it was something much deeper. She tried ied—more than once, in fact—to discuss it with Aziraphale. But he always smiled and told her that everything would be fine. He tried so hard not to worry her, to keep her calm, and Crowley loved him for it. Sometimes, though, reassurance wasn't what she needed. Sometimes, she just needed to know she wasn't alone.

One night, when the movements of the baby kept Crowley awake, all the emotions came to a tipping point.She looked at Aziraphale, his beloved face peaceful in sleep, and couldn't take it anymore. She slithered free of his embrace, went out to the hall, and climbed the steps to the roof. There was no chance of catching a chill, not with all the extra heat the baby was producing.   She felt like a furnace.

She unfolded her wings and sat on the roof, dangling her feet over the edge. Aziraphale was right that the baby was draining Crowley's energy. She could hardly do miracles anymore, all of her corporation's resources directed toward helping their little angel grow—not that she would have it any other way.She would happily give up her powers forever if it meant what she feared would not come to pass. But her fears were not for herself; they were for the tiny being inside her, whose life force shone as brightly as Alpha Centauri. Hope really was the perfect name, because Crowley hoped with all her heart that her own blackened soul would not taint their little one.

The letter had called Hope a special angel. Why, then, was such a special angel inside a hideous creature like Crowley? A demon? Why wasn't she growing within Aziraphale, who was as bright and pure a being as ever existed? Surely his body was more suited to creating life than Crowley's Fallen husk. What if her demonic nature overrode the angelic side, and corrupted tiny Hope? Crowley would never forgive herself, even if Aziraphale did.

Speaking of Aziraphale, his voice floated up the stairs. "Crowley? Dear, where are you?"

He shouted twice more, starting to sound desperate. Finally, Crowley called, "Up here."

Aziraphale pounded up the stairs. "Heaven's sake, Crowley, you scared me half to death!"

"Sorry."

"Crowley, dear." Aziraphale sat down, mimicking her posture. "Why are you up here?"

"I want to fly," Crowley replied softly. "All the way up, so high that the buildings are just little dots, and it's cold and quiet. But I can't. So I'm here."

"Do you think she'll have wings?"

"What?" Crowley frowned at the nonsequitur. "Will who have wings?"

"The baby," Aziraphale clarified. "Hope. We could go flying together, the three of us."

"I...haven't really thought about wings. I just hope she doesn't have my eyes."

"Your eyes are beautiful, dearest," Aziraphale insisted.

"To you, maybe, but most people think they're hideous. I can't bear to imagine our baby growing up that way. She'd getting a hard enough start in life as it is."

"Why?" Aziraphale demanded. "Because of us? Because she has two men as parents? It's 2023, it's not exactly--"

"Because of me," Crowley interrupted savagely. She stared out at the city lights. "No child deserves to grow inside some soulless monster."

Aziraphale couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You're not soulless, Crowley. You're not a monster. God chose us to have this baby, and she chose you to carry it. She could've given it to me, but she chose you."

"Yeah, well, what if she chose wrong? What if I'm not...good enough? How can a demon possibly be good enough?"

"Crowley, my dear..." Aziraphale cupped her cheek, making her look at him. "You are worthy of carrying this child, don't think for a moment that you're not. You are amazing, and strong, and you will do whatever it takes to bring our child safely into this world. God knows that."

"But I'm scared," Crowley whispered. "I'm so scared..."

"You're going to be--"

"Not for myself. This little..."She motioned to her belly. "This lil critter is the size of a banana, and I already love her more than I've loved anything, more thank I thought I was capable of loving. I'm scared for her. What if I fail? Worse, what if I hurt her?"

How could Aziraphale comfort her when he had the same doubts? But maybe comfort wasn't what she needed.

"I'm scared, too," he admitted softly. "Scared I'll lose you. Scared I won't be a good father. But...I have faith."

"You have faith," Crowley repeated incredulously. "After everything Heaven has done to you, you still faith in Her?"

"In Her?" Aziraphale turned to her, startled. "Not Her. You. I have faith in you. I have faith in us. I have faith that together, we can do anything."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do. You think you're a monster, but look at what you've done already! You've given our baby a safe home, helped her grow, nurtured her. An evil being could never create life like that."

Crowley closed her eyes, and tears began to leak from under her lashes. Aziraphale put his arms around her, then his wings. They both cried, holding each other tightly.

"I hope she has wings," Crowley whispered against his neck. "I hope she has beautiful, white wings."

"How about gray?" Aziraphale suggested, kissing his wife's forehead. "A little bit of both for us."

"But I'm--"

Hope kicked harder than she ever had before, so hard that Aziraphale felt the tiny foot brush his hand where it rested on the curve of Crowley's belly.

"I think Hope agrees," he said with a smile. "She wants to look like her mommy and her daddy."

"Grey," Crowley breathed, rubbing her softly rounded belly. "A little bit of both."

They held each other until they were both calm. Then Aziraphale helped Crowley rise, and they stood on the roof for a few more minutes, letting the breeze ruffle their hair and feathers. Finally, they went to their bed, where Aziraphale held Crowley until she slept.

1. So many of us feel as though we're not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, just not enough of anything. I knew that I had to address it. If you feel like you hate yourself, remember, you are enough, you are worthy of love, and you are also not alone in these feelings. Get help or talk to someone you trust. Or, like I did, find a group of fan fictions writers who support each other!