Gnik Nus

Chapter 17

The past week had been tough. The entire household was still reeling from the revelation that Kylie and I were both pregnant. Things were a little better now, of course. Most of us had come to terms with the fact. I think Adam and Ben are having the hardest time dealing with it. They're both facing the possibility of becoming a father without knowing for sure. I think they are unsure about how to approach the situation. Of course, if we knew that they were definitely the fathers, they might have more of an active role in the pregnancies.

It might just be the hormones, but I found myself constantly thinking about Ben. I felt bad for being so hard on him when the whole thing came out. He deserved it though, didn't he? Everything I said about him ignoring me was true. He never was the same after our little night in Brian's bed. I think maybe he was ashamed that I had seen him like that. Well, he needn't be. He could have at least discussed his feelings with me instead of ignoring me and pretending we weren't in a relationship. Could this be the only relationship ever that was ruined by sex? My mixed feelings were not helped any by this pregnancy. If anything it made me more confused. I still had strong feelings for Ben. I wished desperately that this baby were his. I didn't want it to be George's or John's. I was sure Kylie felt the same way about Adam and her baby. I was both angry with and in admiration of Ben. I hoped that we could work things out but I feared that maybe our relationship was beyond repair. It would be even more so if he found out about George.

Brian and the boys were back on tour so we were home alone. Our living system was much more well-refined and routined now. Everyone helped out around the apartment without question and mealtimes ran quite smoothly. Brian gave Jenny money weekly to do the groceries. As we don't have a car, we have to take the shopping on the bus (if one of the boys – usually Paul – is unable to drive us), so Jenny usually takes at least one other person with her. Today I was her companion. I needed to get out of the house. Too many of us confined to one place these days was not good.
"When are you going to tell Ben?" Jenny suddenly asked as we sat at the bus stop, clutching food-filled brown paper bags.
"What do you mean?" I asked in return, unsure of what she was referring to.
"About George."
I sighed. This was the first time Jenny and I had been alone together since she found out. I wasn't in the mood to have her question me - I wish someone else had come along. I should have known better.
"I really don't think he needs to know," I finally settled on answering.
"And why not?" she shot.
"It's complicated."
"You keep saying that. What if the baby turns out to be George's? You'll have to explain to him then."
"I don't have to explain anything to him. I don't think he really cares about me or the baby, quite frankly. He wouldn't give a shit if the child was his or not."
I had stunned Jenny. My temper was obviously raised and my attitude and language was above Jenny's tolerance level.
"Don't be like that," she demanded in a motherly tone, "What makes you think that about Ben?"
"I told you, it's-."
"-complicated. Right. What's so complicated that you can't tell me?"
"You wouldn't understand, Jenny."
"Oh, wouldn't I? Try me."
She fixed me with a fierce glare. Despite being the mother of our group she could be intimidating at times. I didn't have the energy to fight her so I just gave in and told her.
"Ben doesn't care about me anymore," I revealed softly, "Things haven't been the same for a long time."

At that point the bus showed up so Jenny had no time to tell me "don't be silly, of course he does" like I knew she would. We sat on separate pairs of seats so the shopping bags could be placed down. At risk of being overheard, Jenny refrained from berating me. After the short ride home, I stood at the bus stop impatiently, waiting to get Jenny's lecture over and done with. There would be no time for this conversation at home.
"Go on, spit it out," I urged grumpily.
"I was just going to say," she began softly, "That if that's the way you truly feel, then it must be serious and I'm on your side."
"Thank you," I thanked, feeling flattered but surprised.
We made our way into the apartment and unloaded the shopping. Adam the eagle came swooping over to examine the stash to see what goodies we had bought this time.
"There's nothing too interesting in here, Adam," Jenny told him.
"Dang - ooh, what's that?" he exclaimed as he spotted a small chocolate bar.
"That's Jack's and you know it."
Every time we went grocery shopping we always bought Jack a little treat for being so well behaved and to make him feel less left out. With all of the drama that goes on around here, it must be uncomfortable for the little dude. It's hard to keep him innocent, but he is the most well behaved child I have ever met. He almost never plays up. He's probably scared.