[MABONTLE]
The floor is steel cold but the urge to get up is as non-existent as the patience I have for the topsy-turvydom that is currently stirring in my life. If thoughts are indeed loud, then whoever is eavesdropping on this conversation between me and self shouldn’t get me wrong. I love Fikani. I don’t even think I know how to stop, otherwise the intolerant part of me would’ve been back in my apartment by now. I have no idea what buttons that man pressed in my heart but one of them was definitely only meant for emergency purposes. Emotionally, I am at a crossroad with regard to my perception of him. I know nothing about the afterlife, but I have a feeling my mother is disappointed in me, wherever she may be. Her sweet baby girl – as she would endearingly address me – has now turned into a vase-throwing and lip biting savage. I wouldn’t trade the love and chemistry between Fikani and I for anything, but I would on any day accept an exchange for the fights because they’re equally as fiery and fraught with danger – a Russian roulette. He’s never laid a hand on me, but I know he meant that threat.
“One more wound from you and you’ll know why I always choose calm over chaos”
His words keep reverberating in the hall of my mind.
“I have the tendency of turning perfectly sane women into psychotic screwballs”
I keep regurgitating as I take sips of my apple juice.
I had nothing but flutter-inducing daydreams about the initial stages of our relationship but these butterflies come chaperoned by uninvited bees and wasps.
‘Is that what I think it is?’ Kurhula’s voice snaps me back to earth. What is he talking about? I realize that his eyes are on the gigantic, sweating wine glass in my hand. I laugh.
‘Relax. It’s just juice’ I assure. He nods but I can see that he’s not entirely convinced. The topic of Foetal Alcoholic Syndrome is one of those I’m highly passionate about so no, I wouldn’t turn and be the pastor that doesn’t practice what she preaches. I miss the hospital babies so much, but I don’t want to think too much about that right now, otherwise I’ll start rethinking my life choices coupled with my intelligence in the mix.
‘Are you okay?’ Kurhula asks. I nod. He grabs a chair to sit in front of me. It’s chilly out here. I suspect it has been for a while but I’m only starting to feel the audacity of this weather right now.
‘I don’t think so because you wouldn’t be sitting on the balcony tiles at 2 in the morning. What’s up? Do I need to go in there and beat him back to his senses?’
Laughter leaves me. I’m not used to having proper and loaded conversations with Kurhula. I can’t say I’m afraid of him but I do respect him a lot.
‘I can’t imagine that happening’
‘Did you forget that we once shot one another? I can do it again?’
I’m entertained but he should go to sleep. I need my solitude back.
‘Even if he was the reason I am sitting here, I don’t think you’d be the appropriate person to vent to’
‘Why? Am I not your brother?’
‘You are. Twice in effect’ I respond and he nods like he’s been waiting for an answer he already knew.
‘But you are my husband’s sibling. His confidant’
‘Logic tells me I’m the perfect candidate for this job because then I’d know both sides of the story. My advice won’t be biased’
‘Nah. What are you doing out here at this time?’
He heaves a sigh. That’s enough for me to weave through his woes. Kuli is going to be fine, we’ve been assured of this.
‘Sometimes, I feel like in as much as I love her, introducing her to the chaos of this family might as well be equivalent to hatred’
‘Chaos? What do you mean by that?’
The look on his face tells me he’s said something he probably wasn’t supposed to. I hear footsteps and I know who is approaching. I know the sound of his walk.
‘Chief’ he greets his brother and Kurhula greets back. I don’t even want to ask where he’s been. He takes the glass from me and drinks from it. He hands it back to me and I receive it. What? He also wanted to confirm that I am not deliberately drowning Mlambya blood in alcohol?
‘What are the two of you doing out here so late?’
‘Came out here for fresh air. I don’t know about Mrs You here’ Kurhula replies and stands up. After he leaves, Fikani picks up his chair and comes to place it over me. My legs continue to sit crossed under it as he sits with his on both sides of my thighs. He offers me his hands and I give him my right one while I continue enjoying my juice. He just looks at me. I empty the glass down my throat and put it down, then give him the other hand.
‘What were you discussing with Kurhula?’ he finally speaks.
I did not expect that.
‘Are you uncomfortable with me chatting to your brother?’
He immediately frowns.
‘That’s madness. You know that right?’
‘Your question was a bit awkward’
‘Should anything happen to me, that guy would be the very person to ensure that you’re okay and well-taken care of. I don’t like what your question is implying, mine was just an ice breaker. I’m sorry if it came out a bit stiffer than intended’
I shrug.
‘This vibe between us; I don’t like it at all. I want my wife back’ he says. Something inside me melts. The only good thing about our fights is when we make up. I don’t know why but I feel his love the most when he fights for me; for us. Fikani never minces his words when it comes to how he feels about me. If he’s lying, then he’s a damn good actor. Khensani is hellbent on destroying my marriage and I doubt that she knows that she’s gonna have to work a lot harder than sending me pictures of her in front of a BMW seat. This is my husband. She’s nothing but a wifey wannabe. I never had to hunt Fikani down for a ring but I am not about to tell him that all is forgiven. He needs to sweat so he gets that chihuahua in line. I want to teach him a lesson I’ll make sure he doesn’t forget.
‘Say something…’
I take my hand back and pick up my glass, then realize that it’s empty. I need to get up from here.
‘Please move your chair baby I need to get up’
He traps his upper lip in between his teeth, exhales out loud and gets up. I extend my arms so he can help me up. I go back inside the house and he follows me to our bedroom. After using the bathroom, I go change into my satin night wear in front of him. He’s visibly salivating as I pull my shorts up my thighs. My breasts are out and staring back at him. I pull down the top and secure my hair in a bonnet. He hates it so much because he loves sleeping with his nose in my hair. The smell of the Elvive frizz serum; He never gets enough. It took me a while to figure out which hair product has him sniffing on me like a puppy.
‘Can I please sleep?’ I softly plead. He needs to move because he’s sitting on my side of the bed. It’s my turn to choose calm over chaos.
He gets up peacefully. I pull the duvet over my head and close my eyes. I don’t think I’m going to sleep anytime soon but hopefully my brain just shuts down. A lot happened today, it must be exhausted. I feel him cuddle me after some minutes and he disrupts my progress. I don’t fight him.
‘Baby?’ he calls – almost in a whisper.
‘Hm?’
‘Please take this thing off. I won’t be able to sleep’
My giggles betray me. This bonnet really annoys him.
‘Untie it yourself’ I give him the permission and he’s quick with it. He goes silent.
‘Is it the only thing I’m allowed to pull off tonight?’ he’s cautious in his speech. His hand is busy caressing my thigh.
‘If you want us to be on good terms, yes’
The movement immediately stops but he doesn’t remove his hand. I hike my bxtt up to get a better sleeping position. Whoever accuses me of anything sinister would’ve misread the situation. I hear him clear his throat. Something tells me he’s highly uncomfortable behind me and that something is the erection trapped in his briefs.
‘Can I at least show you how sorry I am?’
No. This thing of ours of fixing issues with sexual intercourse has to come to an end. Not an end end of course, but somethings cannot be fixed in this manner. He said she was in his car because they handled business together at some point. If that’s the narrative we’re going with, then it means I am the mad one. What is he sorry for? For my madness?
I continue clutching onto my silence. I am trying to sleep. If he can’t, he can help himself. He must just help me and not ejaculate on my sheets.
‘You’re killing me here…’
I can hear the strain in his voice. The truth is that if he was to put his hand in my underwear, he’d be able to tell that I want him just as much, but I will not allow it to control me. If I am not careful, Fikani is going to turn me into one of those women whose behaviour I always cringe at. I know very well that I won’t be able to leave him right now. That would be self-inflicted torture, so I am going to fix this husband of mine. He’s going to come correct. He eventually gets up and goes to the bathroom. I continue trying to get some sleep. I laugh to myself as I get up to go fetch him. I am also suffering here. I knock on the door and look up at him when he opens, after a short while – with a flushing sound behind him. He smiles, in a confused manner.
‘Are you okay?’ he asks.
‘Not really’
‘What’s wrong?’ a layer of concern veils his eyes.
‘My clxt is on fire’ I’m frank in my answer. He laughs.
‘Oh is it?’
I nod. His punishment is affecting me too and I did nothing wrong. He pulls in a breath before putting his hands on my waist. He pecks my lips and pulls back. I was ready to deepen the kiss.
‘Love, that ship has sailed’
I gasp. It wasn’t intentional. Whatever it is we’re doing here needs a poker face and I’ve already flunked it. Is he seriously rejecting me? He’s now back in bed and even facing the other direction. I feel like a divorcee. I am waiting for him to tell me that he’s joking. Seconds turn to minutes until his breathing tells me that he’s gone. I fold my arms, still standing on the same spot. I am the one who is upset here, he doesn’t get to call the shots!
I go back to bed with my tail in between my legs and also try to get some rest, which he disrupted. After a while of tossing and turning, I find myself sniffing and sobbing. According to the time, the sun should be coming out by now but I can’t really tell because of the block-out curtains. I want to get them changed because they’re responsible for my oversleeping.
I am hurt, man!
He turns and I feel his hand squeezing my upper arm.
‘Baby? Are you crying? What’s wrong?’ he asks, with a gruffy sleepy voice. The problem is asking me what the problem is, and it is making matters worse. He shifts closer and holds me.
‘What happened? Did you receive bad news?’
‘You are the bad news and bad luck in my life’ I say. Now why am I stuttering?
‘I can’t hear you. Please calm down and tell me what happened?’
I take a deep breath. ‘You happened’
‘Me?’
He’s acting shocked?
I pull the sheets and he pulls them back down.
‘I told you that I was hxrny and you blatantly denied me my conjugal rights’ I am still crying but I can speak better now. I hear him laugh.
‘But baby… did you not do the same? If you’re entitled to my body why can’t I to yours?’
‘I’m pregnant! Sometimes, I might not be in the mood’
He kisses my shoulder. ‘Okay. If you put it that way then fair and valid. I’m sorry, okay?’
‘It’s like me telling you that I am craving something and you telling me that the ship has sailed. What??’
My heart is broken and he’s busy laughing. He throws the sheets to the floor and pulls down my shorts along with my underwear. They also get thrown to the carpet.
‘No leave it. Aker that ship has sssssssssss—’ my eyes roll back when his tongue meets my wide-open lady bits. Oh my…
I immediately felt cold impulses wrecking my tummy. He eats me out before coming to kiss all the life out of me. I see stars and touch heaven the moment he slowly enters me because that part down there has been waiting for him and he almost stood her up.
‘Does this satisfy the craving and do you need more inches?’ he whispers into my ear. I feel like he’s in the mood for vanilla and I want him to slvt me out.
‘I need everything. The inches, the cuffing, the choking’
He shakes his head.
‘I’m not manhandling you in your condition’
I laugh. Since when do we call it that?
‘It’s not—’
‘Whatever it is. I know how much you like it rough but you’re gonna have to wait for this little guy or princess to come out first. That’s final’
I don’t even know how to respond.
‘Did I turn you off?’
The smile on his face tells me he’s intentionally provoking me. I’m not going to pay attention to him. I am focusing on these gentle strokes. I need them to calm me in advance for the meeting I am going to have with him and Khensani. A meeting he knows nothing about, yet. The truth will come out.
…
