[LARONA]
The wedding is finally over and reality keeps sinking in and dragging my heart down with it. Ever since that drama-filled revelation, I’ve been feeling an insane stir of emotions and no willingness to express any of them. While we were gone to NW, Kurhula organized for people to move my stuff from the apartment to a new house; one of those I’ve been telling him I like just for the sake of conversation. I love how he pays attention but I feel like I did not give him the excitement he was looking for, and now I feel bad. We should be at our happiest right now and I can’t force myself to pretend. The spilling of secrets did not end in that marquee; it carried on in my dreams this morning. My father watched me cry my lungs out when we laid mom to rest, knowing very well that him and his witch of a wife are the cause of her death. I keep wondering what it is she knew that demanded she get silenced. As if that’s not bad enough, I am finding out at my big age that I am actually my father’s younger brother’s daughter, and it’s not only me; all four of my father’s kids are not his because he is infertile. This includes “the only heir” that he’s always shoving up our faces. My father’s brother kept smashing his wives while trying to make a boy child, the said lastborn heir. His elders know while he is
completely unaware. I saw the whole meeting that led to that decision in my dream. When I woke up, I knelt down to pray but I couldn’t find the words. I just told God that he knows my heart, said my Amen and went back to bed.
I did not hear Kurhula leave in the morning and he did not bother waking me up. I want to call him but he might be in court. I hear the door open and I freeze because I’m a scaredy cat. What if it isn’t him? And this is a completely new environment so it’s hard to keep calm. The footsteps get louder as he approaches and give me the permission to relax. My head hits the pillow again before he walks in.
‘Nsati wa mina wo saseka. I’m glad you’re awake’ he drops a kiss on my cheek before placing his car keys on the pedestal. He sits on the bed and looks at me.
‘You’ve been awfully quiet and it’s starting to worry me now’
I sigh. ‘How was court? How are you baby?’
He removes his cufflinks and belt then comes to cuddle me from behind.
‘Shouldn’t you be on your way back to the office?’
‘I told Andy to clear the rest of my day. You need me more’
I simply nod at his response.
‘I brought you some take-outs but now I’m thinking, why don’t we go out for brunch?’
‘I don’t feel like seeing any faces today’
‘There’s one right behind you though’ he says and I laugh.
‘Stop it’
‘Baby, I want to be there for you but I can’t if you keep shutting me out. I understand that what happened back home wasn’t a minor thing but if you continue bottling everything inside, you’re bound to explode’ he brushes my upper arm as he speaks. I try to gather the words because I personally get irritated when I keep asking someone what’s wrong and they won’t speak.
‘If Kuli wasn’t there, I would be history right now. All that would’ve been left is my name and the memories people have of me. Do you understand how scary that is?’
‘I don’t even want to think about it’
‘My brain is failing to process how Tlholo is a part of this. She’s the sweetest and the most innocent out of all my cousins, hence I chose her for the job since Kago wasn’t available’
‘Betrayal never comes from people you do not trust, my love. Otherwise the whole definition would have to change’
‘Am I a bad person?’ This question came out of my mouth at the same speed it entered my brain.
‘What?’
‘Am I a bad—‘
‘No, I’ve heard you. I’m just struggling to understand where that is coming from. You’re one of the purest souls I know. You can’t take the actions of someone else and translate them into what they say about you. Stop that’
‘It’s just—‘
‘It’s just nothing. People are into witchcraft because they have dark hearts. It has nothing to do with you and what you might have done to them. Trust me because I come from a family of the most evil people to ever walk this earth’
It’s so difficult living a life of not knowing who and who not to trust. The paranoia which is sometimes unnecessary is difficult and exhausting to live with. I had a hunch in the exact moment that I asked Tlholo to be our server; a part of me wanted to ask Kuli but at the same time, I didn’t want to bother her or make it seem like I’m gloating. I love and respect that girl a lot because in all honesty, her character is both lovable and intimidating. I’m still learning how to behave in this polygamous setting and there are still some things I’m not sure whether to say or do. However, I have learnt that ignoring my intuition is going to be my biggest downfall in this life. I remember a time in varsity when my gut told me that I’m going to get robbed but I continued taking the street that just did not feel right. Did my phone and cross-body bag not get taken? I really loved that bag and surprisingly, I was madder about it than the phone. I found it at Ackermans while window shopping and I decided to get it on the spot because it was so me. Till this day, I still have hopes of coming across something similar.
‘I’m really sorry I couldn’t give you the kind of first night we should’ve had’
‘And what kind is that?’ he asks, still cuddling me.
‘You know… strawberries and cream, lingerie and the nastiest sex’
I hear him laugh.
‘Sex is the very last thing on my mind right now. I still have the rest of my life to fvck the shxt out of you’
How he says this causes a violent movement of butterflies in my tummy.
‘You’re reminding me. I need to take my pill’
My alarm for that should’ve went off by now. Or maybe I just didn’t hear it?
‘When can I expect my first baby from you’ he asks and kisses the back of my neck.
‘Next year’ I say and wait for the complaint.
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yeah. I have a lot going on right now. Pregnancy would just make things worse’
‘I hear you but give me a date’
‘What date?’
‘When we will officially start trying’
‘The first of July’ I say and he laughs.
‘We’ll see’
‘You should stop threatening me with pregnancy baby please. Imagine being admitted as an advocate with a bump? I want cute pictures’
‘Who says you won’t be cute with a bump?’
‘What if my nose swells up and my neck gets dark? And pregnancy on its own takes a toll on the body. Knowing myself and how I get when I’m on my period, I might not finish this course’
‘I’m not promising you anything because your sister wife fell pregnant while on those contraceptives you’re also relying on right now’
She told me on one of our lunch dates and I just couldn’t stop laughing at how she was explaining the frustration and stress at the time she found out. She said she was crying like someone had died because she wasn’t prepared. Lord, may that unintended blessing never locate me. Not now, even though I know Mhan’ Singi will be sitting on my neck a few months from now. They specifically told me that whether it’s 3am or 4pm, if he wants it then I must give it to him and open it wide. It took a lot out of me not to lose my cool during that lecture, even though it was happening for the second time. I should be used to their ways of thinking by now but I just—
Ey nna old women stress me, I don’t want to lie. The crazy part is that the person these advices are supposed to work in favour of, also does not believe in them.
‘But I hear you my advocate and I’ll wait’
‘Thank you, counsel’
He laughs at my manner of address and I join him. Arg, I feel a whole lot better now.
