For the First Time

The Beginning of the End

Dr. Webber gave me a week off after my mother died. Normally I would've denied the fact that I didn't need a week off but at this point, a week was what I wanted. I was nowhere near ready to walk back into the hospital after throwing the tantrum in the ICU and I knew the nurse's were telling everyone. I hadn't spoken to Derek since I left him standing in the ICU. I simply wasn't ready to face him, or anyone else. I cremated my mother as she wished and she was sitting in a beautiful urn in the back of my closet. She left no instructions on where to be scattered. This past week had been a blur and I was ready to get back to work, just not ready to face everyone.

I sat in my car looking at the hospital's entrance. Interns and residents walked in with smiling faces as they were still excited about their work. Sometimes I wished I was still a young puppy like them, eager to steal everyone's surgeries. The longer I sat in my car, the amount of people began to dwindle. I had strict instructions from the Chief to meet him in his office before starting back up at work. I took a deep breath and opened my car door. The air was dense and cool and I slowly made my way into the hospital. As I was walking through the entrance I felt everyone's eyes stare at me and soon heard the whispers. Normally I walked into the hospital with some type of arrogance with my head held high, but today, today I walked with my head down and made no eye contact. I took the stairs hoping to avoid the people gossiping.

I shut the door to staircase and sat on the second step and buried my face into my hands and the tears began to flow. I was wrong, this was the last place I wanted to be. I heard a door from above shut. I quickly wiped underneath my eyes to get rid of the tear residue and stood up. I turned around to find Derek standing at the top looking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes. I looked down at my feet hoping that he would walk past me, but he didn't.

"Hey," he said. "Glad to see that you made it back." I looked up at him to see that he was still smiling at me. He was acting like nothing had ever happened. "You know the hospital is saying a lot about you? About how you took an entire week off, which you seem to never do."

"Yeah, I, uhm, needed time to..." I said before I trailed off.

"You needed time to cope with your loss, I get that," he responded. He walked down the stairs towards me and put his hand on my shoulder, which sent shivers down my spine. "If you need someone, just to talk to, just know that I'm still here, okay?" he said. I nodded and he left the stairwell. I as well made my way up the stairs to the Chief's office. I knocked on his office door and he walked in.

"Meredith," he said while greeting me with a smile, "it's really great to see you back here. How are you doing?"

"Fine, Sir. Thank you," I responded.

"Are you ready to come back? Because I understand if you wish to have more time off," he said. More time off was something that I wanted, but didn't necessarily need. I wanted it to avoid the gossip, but what I needed was surgery.

"No, Sir. I'm fine and I think what I need is to work," I said with a smile.

"Great, glad that you're doing well. On another note, your schedule is on your account. I believe you're starting off the day with a consult in room 1056. I won't keep you," he said. I was getting up to leave before he stopped me. "Meredith, it really is great to have you back, but if you need someone to talk to, I'm here."

"Thank you," I answered. I made my way to the attending's lounge to find a pair of clean scrubs waiting for me. I quickly put them on and let my loose curls fall on my shoulders. I navigated through all the people who were staring and pointing at me to room 1056.

"Hi Rita, I'm Dr. Grey," I said greeting the patient with a smile. I shook he husband's hand as he was sitting on the side of the bed.

"Dr. Grey, it's a pleasure to meet you," Rita said. "Dr. Webber has told us how great of a doctor you are. He says you're the best in your class."