burn. mark sloan

12

3.05
oh, the guilt

Guilt we all feel it, it's a normal feeling to feel every now and then. Doctors feel guilt everyday not every now and then. Their head is filled with thoughts like...what if I would've ran a bit faster to answer my page? What if I would've stitched that better? What if I could've saved them? And even more. You can't escape guilt. You have to learn to deal with it, sadly they don't teach you how to in med school.

I was walking to the locker room determined to take my number one spot back today. I will be the best or atleast better than Alex fucking Karev.

"She's losing it. She almost battered and deep fried an 8 and a half million dollar check this morning." Meredith informed us about Izzie. Denny left Izzie 8 million dollars which is a lot for Izzie since she grew up in a trailer park, but for me that's nothing compared to my trust fund.

"That kind of money, I'd buy my own hospital and stock it full of sick people. Vavuloplasties and ruptured aneurisms. Hmm." Cristina told us.

"You are a psycho, you know that, right?" George replied before I could.

"Okay, I'm not the one with an 8 1/2 million dollar check I won't cash."

"Stop talking about me. I'm fine. I'm cleaning out my locker and I'm going home. Mer is the one with the problems." Izzie lied everything isn't fine. She clearly feels guilty for what happened. She lied to Burke to get him to come check on Denny which lead for him getting shot, she cut Dennys LVAD wires which gave him the new heart that caused a clot...in her head she killed the man she loved.

"What's wrong with me?" Meredith asked but she literally refers to herself as dark and twisty.

"Well you haven't told McDreamy that you dumped McVet." I let out as I slid my tennis shoe on.

"You haven't done that yet?"
"Dude, tell him already."
"She's scared."

"I am not scared. Derek walked away. He walked away. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he's happy. Maybe he's moved on. He's got Addison here. He's got Mark here. He's got a lot to deal with. And I'm not going to make him feel guilty. I'm being an adult here, and I am not going to drag him into our whole... Izzie is the one with the big check!" Meredith tried to explain but just ended up deflecting. Derek and I magically became friends after a month or so after I kept having to be on his service. He's my second closest male friend and I only have two. George and him.

We all went into the hallway with Bailey probably just to get yelled out for the people that didn't finish rounds. Not only did I finish I was the first one done.

"M&M in 15 minutes, people." Bailey told us making me smile. We haven't been allowed to go to M&M like ever, and this one should be good.

"Wait, wait, we get to go to M&M?" Alex asked just to make sure he heard her correctly.

"Even if we haven't finished our rounds?" George added.

"Even if. I want all of you at the M&M today."

"Yes!" Alex exclaimed out loud as we all celebrated in our heads.

"People die in this hospital on our watch. Once a month we gather to discuss how our actions as physicians contributed to the deaths. This is a serious exercise." Bailey reprimanded Alex but was looking at all of us in turn, it was like she could read our minds.

We waited until she got called away by a couple and their baby left to talk about how excited we were to go to M&M.

"George Alex, you get good seats. Meredith, Luc and I will get snacks." Cristina instructed in a whisper cause Bailey hears everything. Just as I was walking to go get snacks with Cristina and Meredith Bailey called me over.

"Dr. Allen, uh, Mrs. Niles is scheduled for a mastectomy tomorrow. Why don't you show her and her husband up to the fifth floor. Is this the little man? He's adorable." Bailey told me but instead of being upset about it like Alex would've I was ecstatic. That means Bailey thinks I'm better than Alex, but this also means this young mom has breast cancer.

"He's not so adorable at 4 in the morning and won't take a bottle. Can we just get to the room?" Mrs. Niles walked off without me or her husband and baby. She looked tired very very tired.

"It's been a rough week. She had to stop nursing. Gus here just won't eat." Mr. Niles explained.

"Why don't I take you up?" Bailey said as she took the baby and began to walked to the fifth floor with the couple. She handed me the ladies chart which means I'm with her today.

"Does that woman have breast cancer? What is she, 30 years old?" Meredith questioned so I just nodded while I continued to read the chart.

"New baby. She probably thought the lump was a milk gland." I told them and they all looked at me like I was weird for knowing that, all of except for Alex.

"You learn things on the vagina squad." Alex came to my defense. I still haven't talked to him since he told me I have an ego problem, and to get over myself.

"Focus people. M&M. Insults flying, residents covering their asses. Our bosses getting kicked in the teeth instead of us. Seats. Snacks." Cristina took our attention back from the sad sick mother.

I got snacks out of my locker and from the vending machine. My arms were completely full and when my sister tapped me on the shoulder I dropped all the snacks.

We both laughed and immediately bent down to get the snacks. "What are you doing?" Lauren asked as she handed me the M&M's I got for the M&M. I'm so funny, I know.

"I'm on snack duty for the M&M."

"Makes sense. Why are you excited for an M&M? Those suck, all they do is bring back the deaths you caused." Lauren said as we started walking towards the doorway.

"Cause I'm an intern. I get to watch my bosses get in trouble instead of me for once." I responded beaming.

1052 words
"outlined in guilt"

AUTHORS NOTE

I'm sorry I changed the name of the story ! I changed the name to burn since I think it's overall a much better fit for this story and the plot.