15. Jealousy

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(Age 17)

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(Age 17)

How do I say this?

I have never felt so free in my life.

Even though my face can't keep up with my emotions due to me practicing if till I could numb and crush everything I felt.

I crushed my emotions for a man who didn't deserve it. And now even though I know that Amara is a factor of my life who can never change.

Whom I have loved for the past 11 years.
Whom I have wanted to protect.
Whom I have wanted to cherish.

Yet some how also one of the only people who I keep hurting repeatedly with my actions and behaviour.

I keep coming in terms with my emotions and then running away from them.

She felt like the spring to my winter.
She would always come and fill me up with love and light.

But I had a heart of winter.

My Pain.
My Past.
My Hate.
My Depression.

Everything got a hold of me. It crawled all its way up my spine and spread its branches in my mind and its roots grew deeper in my heart.

I honestly don't know if I can ever... move on.

I am stuck to a piece of my life that keeps recurring when I am the happiest.

I am scared of Happiness.
I am scared of the light.

I am scared that bringing Amara in my life now will only damage us beyond repair one time.

Why?
That's what has happened since the start.

Every time I held her had. Something or the other always ripped us apart from each other and then I avoided her.

And I knew that I cannot...
I cannot hurt My Amara again.

Last time she pulled away from me. I felt something I had never before.

There had always been darkness there to swallow me but there had also been a light that pulled me out of that.

But when she left.
So did that light.

I realised that even though Fate always ripped us apart. We could still not live without each other.

Fate really is cruel to us.
And that is why I despise it.

I know that we are torn apart by fate.

I know that the dates did not want us together. I knew it as clear as the sun rising from the east and the earth going around the sun.

She was the 'Princess' of the Roys.
And me?

I did not want to be my Father's Son.

I look at Evara Di who sat in front of me eating her breakfast in silence yet the anticipation and slight glow of pink that dusted her cheeks. Her subtle glances at the clock as if to check if it was time yet.

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