FREE⇡RIDE⇣HOME [Elevator Hitch || COTAG]

What I have and what I don't have

"Great heavens, you look terrible."

Of course, my employer, who never leaves his office, had to come out today, only to see me at my worst.

"I couldn't sleep, is all." I laugh. Manically.

He pierces his nails in my shoulder, when he places his hand on it in a supposedly friendly way. "I hope you get better soon, and this won't happen again. Now get to work." He smiles wide.

I walk away, rubbing my shoulder in pain. Everyone here sucks.

I feel weak in the knees from sleep deprivation, and long for my office chair. Unfortunately, before I can sit down, my coworker has to bother me.

"What's wrong?" He asks, presumably about my tiredness.

"I couldn't sleep. Please don't bother me today."

"But I will bother you! Why couldn't you sleep?" He crosses his arms.

"It's not your business," I hiss, and walk away.

He follows me to my cubicle. "Oh, come on, tell me."

"Stop."

That's my final word. I feel weak, and my headache gets worse with every sentence he says.

He stops. Thank god.

I sit down in peace and start working. I'm much slower than usual, but still accurate. As long as I don't do anything wrong, the lack sleep won't an issue.

My head hurts.

I sleep poorly as is, let alone without sleeping pills.

I torture myself for an hour or so, and the second the break starts, my coworker pulls me up from my desk and drags me away. "We're going to the roof!"

"No, we're not. Let me go..." I slur.

"Wake up! Wake up!" He shakes my shoulders. My eyes are wide open, but not at all awake.

I try to fix my crooked glasses, but all this movement makes it even worse. My coworker settles me, and does it for me.

Next, he firmly grabs my arm and pulls me up the stairs to the roof. "Some fresh air might help!"

"I'm convinced nothing can help at this point," I titter.

"Oh, come on! Don't be so pessimistic." He pouts and rests his head on mine, hugging me from behind.

It feels so awkward to get hugged like this. He's so much taller than me, and I'm just standing under his chin, stiffly.

"So, what's the issue?" He asks.

The wind is so loud, I can barely hear him. I try to wiggle around, so I can see his face. Except that, now, we are way too close.

"Sorry, I couldn't hear you. What'd you say?"

He tilts his head. "Why couldn't you sleep yesterday?"

I laugh, and try to lean away from him, but he keeps me in place by my waist. "It was nothing serious, really. I'm just out of sleeping medication."

"You take medication to sleep?"

"Yeah..."

"And you can't sleep without it?"

"Mhm..."

"What a nuisance! That's worse than a smoking addiction. You should definitely quit." He presses me against himself.

If someone sees us like this, it'll be so over. At least my coworker chose a place no one goes to... "It's not that easy."

"But I believe in you!" He exclaims, as he releases me to light a cigarette.

All of the warmth I felt when his body was against mine goes away in seconds, and I get a little cold.

"...I'm just tired." I rub my forehead.

"Cheer up!" He pats my head. "Just a few more hours to go."

We walk back inside again. All our colleagues look at us in perplexity. Is it because my coworker, while holding my arm, recently barged through all of them to get to the roof? It might be. I'm not certain.

My coworker leaves, and I continue to work. It's so troublesome.

I notice that he sends me messages from time to time, so the buzz wakes me up. 

"Hey there! Just checking up with you." or "Don't fall asleep, pal!"

"Don't you have better things to do?" I ask him, with a smiley at the end of the sentence.

"This is the best thing."

In the next and last break, I have some dark, pure coffee. It's unbearable, but it gives me the extra energy needed to survive today.

My coworker is nowhere to be found. I evaluate asking some other colleague about him, but refuse in the end.

I send him a message. "Where are you?"

He swiftly replies with: "Roof. Why?"

I gulp the rest of the coffee down, and go to the roof. Weirdly enough, I really want to see him.

"Hey."

"I didn't know you'd come! You said you didn't want to be bothered."

I stand slightly behind him, not willing to approach the edge. "I did, but it gets boring without an airhead to listen to. I felt like falling asleep there."

"So I'm an airhead now?" He laughs.

For a moment, I feel so fulfilled. I completely forget about the things I craved last night.

I have a friend. We have fun. What else is there to ask for?

Yeah, a partner would be nice, but this is more than enough for me.

If I lose my job, will I still be in contact with my coworker? Are we still going to hang out?

"–Are you listening?"

"Ah, I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

I think I missed something important, because my coworker's face is all red, and his voice is shaky. "Are you okay?"

He facepalms. "Pffft, it doesn't matter. It's not important."

Whatever. I fix my tie in the meantime.

"So~ what were you thinking about?" He asks.

"Just... Eh... I was evaluating what I have, and what I don't have." He's staring at me as I talk. "I think having you as my friend is quite fulfilling, and I'm glad I've met you. Thanks... I guess. For hanging out with me."

His dumb expression shatters, and he looks like he's aged by ten years. "Friends..." He seems disappointed. He shakily takes a cigarette out of his cigarette box. "We're just friends. That's right... Nothing more, nothing less..."

✂