You saved me Maddie

Dont look up.

When I came home that night Maddie was sitting on the couch, head in her hands. When I closed the door behind me she looked up and her eyes met mine. Her face had an anxious look and her hands were shaking as she lowered them from her face.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, knowing she wasn't,
Maddie just sighed. I kicked off my shoes and walked over to sit next to her.
"Mom" I started. "What's wrong?"
"I told my mom about" Maddie took a shaky breath before saying the last word "you".
"About you adopting me?" I asked her, just to clarify.
She nodded and sighed.
"She's been calling nonstop since I texted her and I just know she's gonna say something" she shook her head.
"You should pick up" I told her.
Right on cue her phone lit up with an incoming call from "mom". Maddies eyes went from me to the phone and back to me before she clicked the green button and put the phone against her ear.
"Yes mom" she said coldly,
"Maddie what are you doing" I heard her mom say through the phone.
"It's my life mom" Maddie said, no emotion in her voice whatsoever.
"Maddie" her mom growled from the other end of the phone.
"Yes?"
"You just left Doug and your already unstable as it is" I heard her mom say.
Maddie scoffed.
"You know I'm right" her mom said "taking care of a child is hard and what if you're not up for it"
"What?" Maddies voice was shaking.
"And this girl" she kept on talking "she's traumatised, damaged"
She emphasised that last word and it stung. Like a glass shard in my chest, slowly ripping through my skin into my ribs and lungs.
"You don't even know her" Maddie hissed.
"You can't just send her away when you need to" her mom continued lecturing.
"I know"
"What if it's like with Evan then huh?" Her mom said.
I walked away. Her moms words physically hurt and I couldn't stay because if I did I would be sick. Motherfucker. I went to bed without a word.
The next morning the apartment was quiet. When I went out to the kitchen to make breakfast I found a note on the kitchen counter.
"I'll be back in a few days, just needed a bit of time. Buck will come and take care of you. Sorry.
Maddie"
She left me and it was my fault. I grabbed the paper and crumpled it up in my hands before throwing it in the bin. Maybe all of this was a mistake? Maybe I didn't belong here after all? This just proves it.
Buck came by a few hours later and I was all ready with my duffel bag. He gave me a soft "hey" when he first saw me. I gave him a closed mouth smile in response. We got in his jeep and drove to his place.
"You know" Buck said, pulling the car into a parking lot "she gets like this sometimes"
I lowered my head and stared into the floor.
"You just have to wait it out".
My stomach was twisting and it felt like it was going inside out so when Buck asked me if I wanted anything to eat I shook my head. Days passed and on day three I still hadn't said anything. I barely ate anything either, mostly just drank water. Buck worked a lot but he always tried to make me feel better. He made me food, even though I barely ate it. On day six I was still silent but Buck didn't stop trying. I just wrote him notes instead of talking as that felt easier. Buck dragged me to the firehouse to eat dinner on day six to try and cheer my up. They all talked around Maddie and always looked at me when someone laughed. I smiled politely when they did so they would stop.
On night seven I heard Buck talking to someone but I was to tired to care at the moment. However, on morning eight I woke up to sounds coming from the kitchen. A familiar voice and Buck talking on the phone to each other.
"Listen I don't know if that is smart, she's really sad" he said.
I couldn't hear the other person on the phone because it was too far away.
"She hasn't spoked for eight days Maddie" Buck hissed into the phone which gave away the identity of the person he was talking to. "She won't accept you just coming back like that"
Their conversation went on like that for a while before they hung up and Buck walked over to ask me if I wanted breakfast.
Maddie came over a few hours later. I could hear her footsteps from the moment she came through the front door. I was on Bucks couch reading a book when I heard her voice.
"Where is she?" She asked Buck.
"In there but-" but Maddie walked away from him.
Her steps grew closer until she was right in front of me but I didn't look up at her. She gave me eight days to fuel my anger, eight days to get even sadder. She cleared her throat to make me notice her but I didn't look up. Instead I stared into the page I was reading. I heard her walking closer to the couch I was sitting on and then she finally said something.
"Ellie?" Her voice gentle and fragile.
I didn't look up. She wasn't there, not to me. I heard Buck walking over to us.
"Maddie maybe this isn't the time" he started.
He was right, it wasn't. It never would be again.
"Ellie" she said again.
Don't look up, don't look up, don't look up.
"Maddie" Buck said, louder this time.
"Ellie please" Maddies voice shattered on the last word.
Don't. Look. Up.
"Maddie!" Buck said even higher than last time.
I heard him grabbing her arm and dragging her into the kitchen, away from me.
"Why isn't she talking Buck" Maddie asked.
I could hear her crying now.
"Because you left her Maddie" he finally said.
"But" Maddie sputtered. "I had to"
I heard Buck scoff.
"I'm taking her home" Maddie said.
She stomped into the living room again and walked over to be as close to me as she could be. I pressed my eyes into the page. Don't look up.
"Let's go Ellie"
Don't look up. Don't move. Don't even blink. She wasn't there, she hadn't been there for eight days so now she wasn't either.
"Ellie can I talk to you, alone?" It was Buck talking this time.
I finally looked up, the words on the page etched into my eyes. I stood up and scooted over to get as far away from her as possible. I walked over to him and he led me into the bathroom. I heard Maddie sit down on the couch before the door swung closed.
"Listen Ellie" he whispered. "I can't keep you here if she wants you home.
I snapped my eyes up at him and shook my head.
"I know I'm sorry" he put his hand on my shoulder.
I didn't want to but I knew, looking at him, that I didn't have a choice. I sighed and nodded, admitting defeat. After that I walked out of the bathroom and into the guest room where I had been staying for the last week. In silence I packed everything I had brought and stuffed it in my bag. When I turned around Maddie was standing in the doorway.
"You ready?" She asked.
Don't say anything. Don't look up.
"Okay then" she said and walked out. I followed her out to her cat.
She got into the drivers seat and I sat down in the backseat on the opposite side of her. Don't look up.  The car ride was silent and the only sound I could hear was the car. When we came home I beelined straight for my room, closing the door behind me and putting my desk chair up towards my door handle so that she couldn't open it. I checked the time, it was only 13:03 and I hadn't eaten anything yet but honestly I didn't want to. I just sat in bed and read for a few hours until;
"Ellie time for dinner!"
Be quiet, don't look up. She called again;
"Ellie, dinner!"
Be quiet, don't move, don't look up. Maddie walked over to my door and tugged on the handle but it got stuck on the way down. She knocked on it gently but I didn't move.
"Ellie?" She asked through the door.
Don't say anything, don't move. Dont. Look. Up.
"Please" she whispered through the door, tugging on the handle.
Fuck off. I reached over to my night table and grabbed my noice cancelling headphones. I put them over my ears and the world went quiet, just like I had. I could see the handle moving from when Maddie tried pushing it down but the door didn't budge. Good. I pulled my duvet over me and went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up a few hours later. It was pitch black outside and the apartment was quiet. I pushed my chair away and swung open my door. I walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a few things, a few water bottles, a few sandwiches and a bag of chips. I at least needed something to survive in there. After that I used the bathroom and went back into my room, closing the door and putting the chair back in its place.
The following day was the same, she came knocking a few times but I didn't say anything. At night I went out and got some more water before I went back to my room and closed the door but I didn't put the chair under the handle. The next morning I slept until 10 o'clock and then I just stayed in bed reading.
"Ellie breakfast" Maddie called from the kitchen.
Of course I didn't say anything.
"Ellie!" She called again.
Don't move just keep reading. Maddie walked over and knocked on the door.
"Ellie?" She asked through the door.
Don't. Move.
She tugged on the handle and to her surprise it swung open. I didn't look up, I just sat in bed with my eyes glues on the page, to angry to even breathe.
"Please come and eat some breakfast?" She asked gently.
Don't breathe, don't look up, don't move.
"You've barely eaten for days"
That's because I didn't want to. I could hear her sigh but I didn't look up.
"How long is this gonna last"
Her question stumped me because I didn't know.
Maddie went to work for the day so I did something I thought I'd never do. I called Evelyn because I wanted to go back to that house. She picked me up and we started the one hour drive.
"What did Maddie say when you told her you were going back?" Evelyn asked after a few minutes in silence.
"I didn't tell her" I whispered.
"What?" Evelyn glanced over at me. "Why?"
"Because I haven't talked to her in eight days." I sighed.
"Why?" Evelyn glanced over at me again.
"Because she left" that was the only thing I could think of to say.
"Did you have a silent episode?" Evelyn asked.
I nodded and Evelyn sighed.
"How did that happen?"
I sighed.
"Maddie was going to adopt me" I started. "But then she told her mom and her mom really doesn't like me. So anyways her mom went nuts and said stuff about her not being ready and me being damaged and shit and the next day she was gone. She left me a note and she didn't say anything for eight days."
Evelyn cleared her throat and chewed on her response for a while and then said;
"So she just needed time to think"
"But if she felt the need to run from me then maybe I'm not the kid for her" I shook my head.
"Or maybe she realised that you are" Evelyn said in a hopeful tone.
"I can't trust her to stay if I know she can leave" my breath caught in my throat.
"You should really talk to her about this El" Evelyn sighed. "I think it's important"
"Yeah yeah miss therapist" I rolled my eyes at her and she laughed.
"In this scenario you know I'm right"
"Yeah yeah" I dragged out the words, making them long and taunting.
"Shut up" Evelyn laughed and ruffled my hair like she used to do five years ago.
The rest of the car ride felt so much lighter and we laughed so much. Evelyn didn't even need a map, she already knew where we were going.
"How come you know the way without a map?" I asked her.
"To be honest I've driven this route before" Evelyn gave me a quick closed mouth smile before turning back to look at the road again. "From all the times I wanted to come and get you"
"Oh" was the only thing I could think of to say.
Evelyn did a quick turn onto a small dirt road and we drove through a forest. Then she turned left and there it was. That fucking yellow house with peeling paint and a brown door. She parked the car and an officer rolled up behind us in an suv. We stepped out and Evelyn shook hands with the officer before she walked up to the front door. I followed her, unsure what to say or do. She pushed open the door and stepped in. The house felt smaller now, darker. Everything was dusty and the air felt
tainted. Evelyn glanced back at me before she started walking towards the stairs. She opened the basement door and started walking down the creaky steps and I followed her. She clicked on a light switch and the small basement lit up. It was mostly empty at this point, the mattresses and pillows were all gone but the wooden boxes I had used as a bed frame remained. There was a small shelf on one of the walls but the rest of them were empty. It smelled of dirt and moisture and it stung to breathe. I looked around the room looking for something until I found it. My little pink and grey stuffed elephant was on that shelf. I walked over and grabbed it.
"Oh good you found skippy" Evelyn said from somewhere behind me.
I ran my fingers over his eyes and nodded.
"Great" Evelyn said "You ready to get out of here?"
I nodded and we walked out and drove away from the bad bad place.
When I got home Maddie was standing in the kitchen, watching me as I stepped inside.
"And where have you been?" She sounded angry.
I didn't respond, instead I tightened my grip around Skippy.
"You can't just take off like that, I was really worried!" She continued, her voice rising in anger.
"Sorry" my voice so low you couldn't even call it a whisper.
"Where were you?" She asked, still angry.
My eyes teared up just thinking of that house.
"Where did you go Ellie?" Her voice even higher now.
I didn't say anything.
"Answer me!" She said.
"I went to dads house" I whispered.
Maddies breath caught somewhere in her throat. Her eyes finally fell on the dirty stuffed elephant in my hand.
"Sorry" I whispered and started walking towards my room.
"No, no!" Maddie caught me by the arm.
I finally looked into her eyes, they were red and tear stained. She put her hand up to my cheek and all my anger just melted away. I fell into her and cried. Maddie wrapped me in a big hug and let out a relived sigh.