Stay Awake.

7.

Alani

I got of my car, shutting the door then walked up to my front door. As I unlocked the door and walked inside, my grocery bags suddenly falling from my hands.

"Dammit!" I cursed.

My mood was shit at the moment and I just really felt like crying. The only thing on my mind at the moment was all that August had said to me earlier. As much as I hate to admit it, some of it was actually true.

I sighed, breaking out of my thoughts. I then picked the bags up, placed them on the kitchen counter, and walked upstairs into my room. AJ was lying on the bed, scrolling on his phone.

"Hey baby." He said, not looking up.

"Hey."

"How was ya day?" He finally looked up then came to peck my lips.

"Good." I sighed.

I walked into the bathroom then turned on the shower. I then got inside. The hot water bouncing on my skin calmed me a little, taking my mind off of things. After scrubbing my body clean and washing my hair I got out and grabbed a towel, drying off. I put my hair up and got dressed in my night attire, I stared at my reflection in the mirror.

"Just ugly." I thought to myself.

I sighed, shaking my head as everything that August had said to me once again popped up in my head.

I wish he would've never brought it up. I wish he was never even there that day. I haven't stopped thinking about it since and I've tried not to but I still do. I'll stop but it pops right back up in my head because...I know that he's right.

I'm not happy. I don't think I've ever been. And now I just want better. I want real happiness, not all this temporary shit. I doubt that'll happen anytime soon though. I pray, but nothing happens, and I just don't understand why.

I leaned forward against the sink, both my hands resting on it with my head hanging low as tried my best to hold in the tears threatening to fall from my eyes.

It was one of those time where I just wanted to give up...once again. It all hurts. Everything. I just wanna be normal for once and it's embarrassing for August to know all he does about me. To know that I'm just so abnormal. That's not even half of my life but it's embarrassing and it reminds me of every other thing I hate about it.

I don't have a mother to run to or call on and she didn't give a damn about me when she was alive, nor my little brother Aden. I never had a father. He never even got the chance to even be apart of my life, to even meet me. But Brissa–my mother–she had a choice, and she chose drugs and men and liquor over her own children. It's her fault that Aden is gone and all I can do is miss him along with my Aunt Ashley. I'd give my life if I could just have one last conversation with her. She was my encouragement through everything.

I still talk to her in my head sometimes. I always try to see her point of view on things.

"Eres hermosa. Tu eres fuerte. Que son grandes y que son capaces . Eres maravilloso. Y Te amo, siempre bebé." She'd always say to me as a very little girl. Maybe like 6 or 7. (You are beautiful. You are strong. You are great and you are capable. You are wonderful. And I love you, always baby.)

Why? Why did God allow all of this too happen?

"You aight baby?" I heard AJ call from our bedroom, breaking me out of my thoughts.