Reconciling the Hotchners | 2

24. Feelings

Y/N
"How are you feeling today?"

How do you answer that question? How are you expected to respond, when you're asked that question twice in one day?

The first time you were asked that question, it was at 10 AM this morning. You sat in front of Dr. Samson, a therapist who specialised in marriage counselling. After your memories started flooding back, Aaron reminded you that before you were taken, you both had agreed to see a counsellor, so there you sat, engaging in a one-on-one session with Dr. Samson before progressing to the 6th appointment - another paired session.

"I'm- I don't know." You shrugged your shoulders, unable to express how you were truly feeling. Deep down, you were angry. You were upset. You were still struggling with the tiny glimpses into your memory regarding your kidnapping and torture.

"When we first met, 6 weeks ago, you told me that you had been living apart from Aaron for 8 months and 2 weeks, but for 5 of those months, you had been staying with your friend and co-worker, Penelope, correct?" Dr. Samson asked.

"Yes." You nodded.

"How did Aaron feel about this arrangement?" Dr. Samson held a pen and paper in her hands, waiting for your answer.

"I know he hated it. I know he wanted me at home...with him...and our kids. I know that he wanted everything to be like it was before." You exhaled.

"And you? How did you feel about this arrangement?" Dr. Samson looked up at you, scribbling down some writing.

"Half of me- I hated the arrangement just as much as he did. I didn't want to be bothering my friend by staying with her. I wanted to be at home, saying goodnight to my kids whenever I wasn't on a case-" You tried to remain calm.

"But?" Dr. Samson knew there was more to your wants.

"-but...he doesn't get that he can't just bottle up his feelings and spring them on me." You breathed.

"Okay. I have gone over the notes from Aaron's one-on-one session and I keep seeing a common pattern between the two of you. You both have explained your feelings toward each other, like you should. But in expressing your feelings, neither of you have actually discussed the conversation that led to the sudden separation. I sure haven't heard it from either of you. So, Y/N, tell me what happened, in your own words." Dr. Samson requested.

You told her what happened. You told her about the argument. You told her about Aaron's reveal. You told her about you leaving before the conversation got worse. The more you spoke, the more you watched her jotting down notes on the paper in her hands.

"Do you really think you would've considered leaving the BAU if Aaron had asked you to?" Dr. Samson looked at you.

"All he had to do was ask me. But he didn't. He kept his feelings bottled up and when the argument came, he boiled over." You clenched your jaw.

"That doesn't answer my question, Y/N." Dr. Samson exhaled.

"Yes. I would have considered it." You nodded.

"Alright then. Our time is up for today. Our next session will include Aaron, as I believe that we may not be far off from a solution." Dr. Samson smiled.

"A- A solution?" Your eyes widened.

"Yes. Not every couples problems take months to sort out. Sometimes all a couple needs is for someone to ask the right question, or give the right advice." Dr. Samson nodded.

———

The second time you were asked that question, it was 2 PM, earlier this afternoon. You sat in front of Dr. Leman, - the Bureau's hired psychologist - who had been assigned to make sure that you were psychologically ready to return to work.

"I'm fine." You told.

"Agent Y/L/N, have you been told what happened to you?" Dr. Leman questioned.

"I was told that I was almost dismembered. I have bits of memory regarding what happened to me before, but no one has told me any more." You shook your head.

"Do you believe that you are ready to hear what happened to you?" Dr. Leman warned.

"I can't pass my psychological evaluation without confronting the trauma I endured." You told.

"Alright then. If at any time you'd like me to stop, let me know." Dr. Leman grabbed a file from his desk, opening it up.

"On (the day of your kidnapping), Agent Y/N Y/L/N was kidnapped just outside of a bar by the 'unsub', identified as 43-year-old Travis Hillbridge." Dr. Leman read the information in the file, going over every detail noted about the unsub, about how he tortured you, and about how you were found.

Listening to every detail mentioned, you felt sick. You felt like your wounds were stinging and you couldn't shake the anxiety building within you. The things that he was talking about were over, yet with every little detail written down, you could feel the memories spill back into your mind. You could mentally feel the marker gliding across your skin. You could imagine the cold blade making its way through your flesh as you squirmed in your seat.

"Agent Y/L/N, are you alright?" Dr. Leman snapped you out of your thoughts right before the bile in your stomach came too high to stop.

Tears were stinging your eyes as you took deep breaths in and out.

"I- I'm so sorry. Can we please continue this conversation another day?" You asked, trying to prevent the tears from spilling.

"Of course. Feel free to contact me whenever you're ready." Dr. Leman nodded, letting you leave his office as you tried to ignore the sudden pain in your leg.