Reconciling the Hotchners | 2

25. A letter to Y/N

Dr. Samson had tasked Aaron and Y/N to write 'letters of honesty' to each other, so that's exactly what they did.

Y/N left her letter to Aaron on the kitchen bench, leaning against the vase of flowers before she headed up the bedroom for some privacy.

Dear Y/N,

I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. For months now, I have been denying the fact that I am at fault.

What makes a marriage work...is communication. Part of the reason why my marriage with Haley failed is because we didn't communicate. When we were angry at each other, we remained silent. We didn't talk.

I tried not to make the same mistake with us, but I did. I should have told you my feelings sooner. Maybe then we could've avoided everything that happened. I feel like I am partly to blame for your kidnapping. You revealed that you wanted a few hours to relax. You wanted a break from me, from our kids. As a result, you were taken and I was unable to sleep. I was unable to stop worrying about you. Why wouldn't I worry about you? You're my wife. The woman I love.

And yet, I let my own feelings cloud my judgement. I didn't once stop to think about your feelings. All I cared about was the future of our family. As much as our future as a family was- is important, I failed to understand that the BAU is also our family.

I spent every night angry at myself for the way things happened. If I had told you my feelings, we could've had a rational...adult conversation. Instead, I acted like a child and kept my feelings inside, refusing to let them out until my emotions became too strong to handle.

You didn't deserve the anger I pushed onto you. You didn't deserve the guilt that I pushed onto you without thinking.

I think I forgot that it was my turn to leave the BAU. Not yours.

I meant what I said the day you returned to the BAU after Scratch died. It was my turn to be the stay-at-home parent, while you went out and saved lives. Along the way, my loneliness began eating away at me and suddenly it turned to anger.

I want to talk. Face to face. Without judgement. Without anger.

Dr. Samson told us that we most likely only have one more session with her, in which she might have a solution to our issue. After the session, I would like to have the non-judgmental conversation.

Since the moment you left to stay with Penelope, I have never felt so guilty. I don't want to be a fractured family anymore. I want to wake up and kiss you in the morning and fall asleep to the sounds of your heartbeat at night. I want you and me to be...an 'us' again.

- Aaron, xx

This letter in her hand was the first piece of solid communication between the two of them. Everything Aaron wrote in the letter was his honesty and she couldn't help but feel relieved. They were close to resolving their issues.

Y/N re-read the last part of the letter.

Since the moment you left to stay with Penelope, I have never felt so guilty. I don't want to be a fractured family anymore. I want to wake up and kiss you in the morning and fall asleep to the sounds of your heartbeat at night. I want you and me to be...an 'us' again.

Were they really a fractured family? Y/N never thought so, considering their troubles had only really started 8 months and 8 weeks ago, but maybe they were. All Y/N asked for was a break and Aaron let her leave. Neither of them had ever mentioned divorce. Y/N told Jack that divorce wasn't a consideration, that she and Aaron were taking a break. No one threatened divorce, but when they were talking, they were arguing - whether about their issues or about the actions one of them took.

She kept re-reading the letter and did agree with Aaron. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, they had become a fractured family, with Y/N choosing to stay with Penelope in fear that she and Aaron would argue if they were together long enough.

When she did finally put the letter down, she exhaled and made herself a promise to focus on fixing the issues within the relationship. Having not returned to work - pending a psychological and physical evaluation - Y/N had plenty of time to consider her next steps to work toward rebuilding a healthy and happy marriage with Aaron.