Something New | Taraji x Fantasia

Grief

Mama's right here, baby. Sitting on the side of the bed, I held his hand while my eyes scrutinized his body connected to various pieces of machinery.

How did we get here, baby? Huh... I stop my conversation when the door opens, and a nurse comes in with the task of checking on him. She introduces herself as the new nurse on shift, assisting my son. Thank you, I whisper as she continues her evaluation of Marcell.

The door opens again, and Fantasia walks in with coffee and a muffin.

I know you may not feel up to eating right now, but I have something just in case. She says walking over to me and placing them on the side table.

My eyes follow her movements as she walks over to the chair in the corner of the room. The nurse exits the room, leaving my son and my woman alone in the room.

I feel comfortable continuing to talk to him.

I'm sorry Mommy wasn't there... My words trail off as tears start to form again, threatening to fall. I wish I loved on you more. I wish you knew how much you mean to me. I stop myself from continuing and just watch him.

Fantasia opens the door, drawing my attention away from Marcell. I'll be back, she said, walking out to the room.

I scoot up and conform my body to his, taking care not to pull on any of the many cords around me. I rest my head on his shoulder, humming to calm my thoughts.

The door opens, but I don't bother picking up my head to look.

Hey Taraji, are you okay, sugah? I hear Danielle's voice and shake my head, nuzzling close to Marcell's body.

I just want this to all be over and for him to be okay. I muster up the strength to say.

I just wish this was all a dream. I close my eyes and drift off to sleep.

3 months later

Are you alright, baby? Fantasia asked, exiting the bathroom as I lay in our bed, aimlessly scrolling through my phone.

Yeah, baby. I'm okay. I put the phone down on the nightstand as she gets in bed.

I sit up on the headboard, and she lays her head on my lap. I comb my finger through her curls, looking into her eyes. I place a kiss on her lips.

I reflect on the day, still rubbing her curls; today was just as difficult as yesterday. Marcell has been off the venilator for a month now; it was not an easy decision, but the doctor tried everything.

Are you ready for your Grammy performance? I ask Fantasia, trying to take my mind off of everything swirling around in my head.

Mmhm, I am. There is nothing like being on stage; I miss it. After witnessing her lovely smile, I returned her greeting with a brief smile.

Fantasia sits up, putting her arm around my waist and pushing my body close to her chest.

Want to talk about it? She asked softly.

I shake my head and lay on her chest as the tears fall.

My life has changed drastically in the last 6 months, and the only constant thing has been Fantasia through all of this. Her presence during this grieving process is different from the first time around, when I had to do it alone.

I've started therapy, and boy has that been a challenging journey. My relationship with my son was far from perfect, but we were really working towards something this time around. I just can't wrap my mind around our final moments, God. I wish I knew they were our final moments. That's the thing about life: we don't know when our moments will come to an end. We are never truly ready for that moment. I drift off to sleep with the thoughts swarming in my mind.