damnation - r.j.lupin

the Hamlet's theory

hey now - london grammar 

☆☾

It was fair to say that May has now become the worst month of the year for Olivia Marat. Despite the fact days are getting longer, sunnier, that flowers are blooming and that everyone seems to be happier, she felt nothing but despair, anger and frustration.

NEWt's are just around the corner and the witch wasn't even able to open a single book during the entire month. She missed most of her lessons, getting herself in trouble with McGonagall, and spent the great majority of her time in her room, lying in bed, reading all over again Hamlet by the one and only Shakespeare. It was the kind of book where she would find herself into, her emotions, like a mirror. She knew it by heart.

"Sir, in my heart there was a kind of fighting

That would not let me sleep."

Her fingers brush the thin paper and she sighs. There were a lot of things going on in her heart and mind that prevented her from sleeping. She cannot seem to get out of her thoughts that night, she can't forget the sound of the door slamming, the look he gave her, the smell of cigarette, fire, and his perfume.

"Or are you like the painting of a sorrow, a face without a heart?"

Was she feeling sad ? Surely it will come after. Right now, anger was all she could feel, hear and speak. She felt stupid. Stupid to have thought that it was okay to feel something for her professor, to kiss him, to almost sleep with him. She felt used. She blamed herself, mostly, for being this foolish. Not everything is like in your fucking books, Olivia. She closed the book violently and stared at the window from her bed.

Stupid book.

Remus Lupin looked absolutely awful. The last two full moons have been extremely hard to handle, and even that couldn't keep his mind off Olivia. The anger in her look and her last words are all he can think about. He hates himself for what he is doing to her. His eyes land on his copy of Hamlet and he stands up to grab it. He doesn't know why but Remus as always identifies with his character, driven by an inner struggle so powerful it can be fatal.

"Conscience doth make cowards of us all."

Cowards. Selfish. He was a lot of things. But what he was feeling for her was starting to scare the hell out of him. It's the first time in such a long time that he feels so strongly for someone, he doesn't know how to deal with it anymore. He didn't even know he was still capable of such things. All his emotions messed him up. He is torn about the fact that it's too dangerous to let himself love someone, and the almost unspeakable attraction he feels for her.

"I must be cruel only to be kind;

Thus bad begins, and worse remains behind."

These two sentences lodge into his head and keep on repeating endlessly. Despite everything, despite the fact he shouldn't have succumbed to her, to her dark hair and chocolate eyes, despite the fact he shouldn't be weak for her, he knows he can't keep going.

He deeply knows what he did to her was heartless ; letting her get close to him and then shut the door in front of her face. But Olivia deserves better. A human, young, good looking, with maybe a little more money than him, and most of all, who couldn't risk to kill her. He closes the book and walks to the window, looking at the starry night.

Stupid moon.

☆☾

Olivia is walking in the corridors to the library, as she has to finish her ancient runes essay for the NEWT's. Her books and notes between her arms, she walks as fast as she can to avoid both Remus and Roger. The last thing she wants is to bump into one of them. Corridors are empty, everyone seems to be outside enjoying the sun. But someone does crash into her chest, making all her books end up on the ground.

"Bloody hell, watch your way", she grumbles, going down to pick up her stuff.

As she stands up, Olivia was face to face with Achille Nott, the same smirk on his lips. She rolls her eyes, already annoyed. "What, you lost your tongue ? Did Mama and Papa never told you how to say sorry ?"

It wasn't the best of moods to bump into Olivia Marat and Achille Nott was at first taken aback by her words. But his look darkens and he pins her against the wall, "Don't ever mention my family, Marat."

"Okay, I get it, you have daddy issues, everyone does, get over it", she adds, rolling her eyes. Achilles puts his wand on her neck.

"I'm just here to tell you to not disrespect me like you did on Valentine's Day ever again, understood ?"

"Wait, you're still on that ?" she says, looking impertinent, a smile hanging on her lips.

"Take that smile back, Marat".

"Or what ? You're going to hex me ?" He nods, pushing his wand deeper into her neck. "Do it, for all I care."

Achilles opened his mouth to speak.

"Expelliarmus", shouted a voice in the back and Achilles' wand dropped on the floor. "Mister Nott, please go to Snape's office immediately." Olivia rolls her eyes and starts walking away quickly.

"Olivia."

She stops and hears his footsteps coming her way. Quickly, Remus grabs her wrist and pulls her into the closest classroom after making sure Nott was gone. "I don't have time for-"

"Did he hurt you ?"

"Why do you care ?" Remus shivers at her cold tone. Something was broken, he felt it. He doesn't even dare to look at her.

"Did he fucking hurt you ?" his voice was louder.

"No." Remus nods and lets go of her wrist, the warmth of her body still on his fingers. "What did he want ?"

"None of your business." Remus rolls his eyes but says nothing. She has the right to be this angry. Olivia walks to the door but Remus grabs her arm once again. He didn't want her to go. He wanted to talk to her, to look at her, just a few more seconds.

"Good luck, for the NEWT's, you are smart, probably the smartest, even if you don't think you are".

Olivia can't help but chuckle, her eyebrows raised. He had the nerves to say that to her face after all. "Too late to play the teacher card, professor." She finally dared to look at him and her dark eyes sent shivers to Lupin.

"I'm not, I-, I really wanted to-"

"Don't bother with words, the look you gave me the other night said it all", her words scream anger. "Now if you will let me go, please", her eyes were now on his hand around her arm.

"Olivia, why can't you understand I'm not good for you ? You're young, I'm your teacher, it should have never happened."

"It's too late for this kind of thoughts, Lupin. You should have thought about it the first time you fucking laid your eyes on me." He swallowed hard. Lupin. She had never called him that. It sounded cold, distant, ordinary, and he hated it.

"I just have one question though." Olivia looks at him again. "Everything that happened between us, did it mean something to you ?"

Remus stares at her. Her eyes were watering, almost begging for the answer. He let go of her arm delicately. He wanted to shout to the world that yes, it means something, that it means everything actually, that he had never felt so alive since he met her. But he can't hold on to her. Not anymore. He has to let her go. So he bites the inside of his mouth and looks away.

"No, everything was a mistake I deeply regret everyday, Miss Marat."

The door slams. Remus kicks one of the tables out of rage and runs out of the room. He needed to be alone. He wanted to get her out of his head so bad, but it seemed to be almost impossible. He knows well that he's going to be haunted with the look on her face.

Everyday goes by and he fucking hates himself a little more.