diamonds | jaywon, sunsun

20

"You know, Jay-hyung, this summer arrival festival in Busan? It is hosted by the company Jeongin-hyung works in. It's not very known, just for the local neighbourhood, but you still can join with the help of tickets." Jungwon says, leaning against Jay's shoulder.

"A local festival? Is it like, a big neighbourhood party?" Jay lightly strokes the younger's hair, breathing in the rose scent of his shampoo, as Jungwon nods.

Jungwon gazes up to face Jay. "Jeongin hyung got me tickets. Tickets, as in plural. He said the other was for Sunoo, but Sunoo is going home the same day, but that doesn't matter because I wanted to ask if you'd want to come. I mean, I'm sure you've been to much better festivals and parties, and hyung's part of the festival is for the employees so of course the quality isn't the best, but hyung's been sending me tickets every year but I have only attended once, 4 years ago, so..."

Jungwon gets embarrassed and buries his face in the older's shoulder. Jay tries not to jump out the car window from the backseat and begin tap dancing on the street. Maybe agreeing to cuddles with Jungwon was a bad idea (it was not, Jay has never felt so happy before).

"Yes, definitely. I would love to go."

"Oh my God, really? We also have a free three days reservation in a hotel, a five-star one. Also, my family also lives there. I haven't visited in 2 and a half years, just couldn't pick up the courage."

"I understand you. I've also been avoiding a family gathering, here in Seoul. I just... Don't know." Jay finishes his sentence somewhat lamely.

"It's okay, but really, both of us have to resolve the tension by talking it out. Do you still feel what you used to feel?" Jungwon asks and Jay knows that the younger is talking about Jay's love for music and adjustment to business.

"Well... I still love music but I'd like to keep it as a hobby. I love my guitars and I love singing, and our parents made me and Sunghoon take dance classes once. But... I'm not as mad anymore. I don't know why. Ever since I shared this with you, I feel less burdened."

"No way," Jungwon sits up again, eye level with Jay, "I feel exactly the same! I'm not as mad anymore, since I've accepted things. I will always carry grief but we have to let go of the past."

Jay nods along to the former's words, "It is difficult to live in the present or continue to the future with the burden of the past on your back. I think... I think I'm starting to forgive my parents. Because... They aren't abusive, they are loving and supportive, and they did it because they thought it was for the best. It may have been. I don't know."

Jungwon looks at Jay, city lights shining in his eyes. Jay continues speaking.

"It is their first time on earth too, like me, and they didn't want me to struggle like they did. They never asked for forgiveness, but I forgive them. I forgive them because I love them. And they wronged me, but they did it in panic and thought that maybe... Well, being angry over something irreversible is pointless. I don't want to be full of anger, I want to be full of love and lovable."

"But you are full of love and lovable," Jungwon's features relax into a smile as he says, "I'm sure that even during the time that you were angry, you loved them and they loved you. You quarrelled because your love for each other overwhelmed you, while you felt misunderstood and disappointed, they felt fear and desperation."

Jay wants to kiss Jungwon. He really does. But he doesn't. Instead, he says,

"You make me want to make the best of my life while I'm alive. Really, you're the only one who helped me come to this conclusion. I hope that soon, you're able to resolve your own issues and forgive yourself. Thank you so much for being here." And then he takes the younger's in his own.