A Court of Wind and Song

4: Trapped

Nesta

Nowhere to go, nothing to do, I figured that the best plan of action would be to lock myself in my room and wait for whatever hell would rain down on me tomorrow. Not that it was a new thing for me to be filled with rage and have nowhere to put it, no- that had been a constant since before I could remember.

Rage, at Feyre for forcing me into this mess.

Rage, at Amren for her disparaging comments and cruel words.

Rage, at Elain for choosing Feyre's side.

Rage, at Cassian for being a smug, arrogant asshole.

Rage, at the world and everyone in it.

All of that rage, and nowhere to put any of it. Nothing to do with any of it. It was just trapped inside of me, like a whirlwind poisoning everything I touched and every word coming out of my mouth.

After the Cauldron, I'd managed. For a moment, I could have seen a future for myself here, no matter how strange and horrible all of it had seemed. For a moment, we were all united by the common goal of defeating Hybern. And sordid histories and years of prejudice and hate were put aside for that one fleeting moment of unity.

Until I'd been hunted by the King of Hybern and the Cauldron, until I realized that everyone I cared for would be used as a tool to hurt me, break me, trap me. Until I'd watched thousands die in a single blow, and was able to do nothing but let out a warning. Until I'd held his hand as he lay dying on the ground, had held death at bay as the one person who seemed to understand a thing about me was choking on her own blood.

Until I saw my father standing there with a knife to his throat, pleading with me to save myself.

Until I watched Cassian take a direct hit from the Cauldron.

Until I watched Leur, who was by far the strongest person I knew, break in half as she sobbed over her mate's dead body.

And in that moment, I had known.

I'd known that I could never allow any of this. I could not break like that and come back from it, I could not have anything that I cared about enough to shatter when I lost it. Not when the world was so cruel and lawless, not when all of it was fleeting.

Perhaps the worst part was that when I saw the pain in her eyes- I had recognized the feeling. I'd felt the first brush of it in that clearing in the woods just minutes before, could feel it creeping up on me like a shadow at my back. It was a truth I could not bear to admit, and so I did not.

Instead, I just sat on my bed and stared out the window.

I could read, perhaps that would take my mind off of things. But that would require me to leave the room, to where I was certain I'd find Cassian watching my every move, hazel eyes trailing behind me like a predator with prey.

I hadn't left any other books in here this room the last time I had occupied it, in those first weeks after the Cauldron. So, I simply sat and stared. I looked across the city, to where the House of Song sat on the hillside. A beautiful dazzling array of lilac flowers and shining, golden architecture, otherworldly in comparison to the red stone mountains of Velaris. And yet, no matter how right it looked bathed in sunlight, it still looked as if it had been made to exist under the night sky too, in a ray of moonlight. Just like its owners were, cut from the very fabric of day and night themselves.

It reminded me of that dazzling, golden city Leur and Azriel had taken me to a few times. How they had shown me some of the major places in Solarea; wide open vast plains, sandy deserts, a lazy turquoise ocean, and mountains that were familiar and new all at once. I had no idea anywhere could be so open, so large, so different in all of its territories and geology. I had loved it, the newness of it all, the endless beauty, the opportunity of an unknown.