Anything But Beautiful » a.r.

Chapter 23: Decomposing

❌ trigger warning: suicidal tendencies ❌
• Alex's POV •

After fifteen minutes of driving Sage and I finally arrived home. She had already fallen asleep so I picked her up and carried her to our apartment. After I got the door open I went to the bedroom and gently put her on the guest room's bed and cover up her frail body.

I took a step back to memorize this moment. She looked so peaceful, I don't see why anyone would want to cause any kind of pain to her, emotionally or physically.

Before I got angry I slipped under the covers with her, wrapped my arm around her and fell into a deep slumber.

• Sage's POV •

I woke up at around 4:00 am from a usual nightmare. Someone found me in the bathroom after I had an "episode" and tried to kill myself by cutting open my wrists and overdosing. Ever since I could remember I've had this nightmare. I remember it in great detail.
I'd come home from something, like school or work, balling my eyes out. I'd throw all my stuff down from the day in my room and grab a piece of paper. I'd write the exact same thing every time I had this dream.

Dear whomever finds me,
I am terribly sorry for you because you've found me. If possible I'd take a pill to make it so nobody could remember me, if such a thing existed.
I'd tell you exactly why I did this, and it's quite simple. I do not wish to live any longer. Now I am aware my situation could have been handled much better but that's not realistic. I'd rather not be doped up on various medications to make me feel like a robot. That's just not who I am.
I no longer see fit that I stay on this planet and consume oxygen that should go to someone who'd much rather want to live. I don't know who will find me but whoever you are, please know: there is absolutely nothing you could've done to stop me.
-Sage

Then I'd go to the bathroom and take out ever single bottle of medication I did have, which was mostly sleeping aid, and down them around 5 at a time until I had none left.

Afterward I'd turn on the shower and set it up so it was warm (I'm guessing because you could see the mirror's fogging up from the steam), but not burning your flesh warm. I'd grab my razor I'd hide in my makeup draw under the brushes and slice it down my wrist. I'd remove my clothes and drench my body in the water.

The next thing that happens is someone comes home and they freak out and try and call for help but I'm already dead. And right as I begin to see their face I wake up.

The dream is so lifelike it freaks me out because I'd never be able to see the face and the pain of anyone who's just seen what I did, even if they were a complete stranger.

After I have these dreams I rarely can ever fall asleep so I turned over and just stared at Alex. He looked so at ease, like nothing was bothering him. But I knew deep down my existence was bothering him. Maybe not in the sense that he wanted me out of his life, but ever since I've walked into it, his life has been turned upside down. He's had someone move in with him, he now hates his "best friend", he has very bad anger issues, and he's constantly worried about me. He shouldn't have to worry about me. I know I have issues but I don't want someone else to have to decompose as I do, emotionally of course.

Since I obviously wasn't going to be able to go back to bed I went ahead and got up, and decided to clean up a few things before Alex woke up.

• Alex's POV •

I woke up at around seven and realized that Sage wasn't asleep beside me. This of course instantly worried me so I ran to the restroom, she wasn't in there, so my heart stopped pounding as fast, I thought I had lost her.

I went to the kitchen and saw her cooking pancakes, I guess my nose was was stopped up because I couldn't smell it cooking.

"Why you up so early, butterfly," I always came up with the cringiest nicknames on the spot.
"Couldn't sleep, so I decided to make your favourite breakfast. I've gotta run some errands today, what's your plans," she said not taking her eyes off the cooking pancakes.
"I dunno, probably just play Halo, maybe go to the mall and get a hat," I'd always hang out with Will on my days off, but I guess those days are over.
"Well is there any groceries you'd like?"
"Yeah, cocaine, heroin, and some weed."
"Okay so I'll hit my drug dealer up and tell him to travel from Arkansas to give me drugs to give to Alex Ramos, gotcha," she normally refers to me as her boyfriend. Maybe I'm just overreacting.
"Sound's good to me," I grinned awkwardly.

We ate our pancakes in complete silence, and it wasn't a pleasant silence for that matter.

"I'm gonna go ahead and run those errands. If you need anything just text me," she said with no emotion in her voice.
"What if you're all I need," I said grabbing her from behind and spinning her around so I could see her face.
"I've gotta go, Alex, I can't play around."

With that Sage walked out the door.

I decided to just go to the food court at the mall and relax, I needed out of the house but I also wanted to be alone. The food at the food court was absolute shit so nobody would be there.

I don't know what happened between last night when she fell asleep to when she woke up, but whatever it was it must've really messed with her.

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Hope y'all are all doing well I love you. xx

-Hope