My day just got a whole lot worse. They're seated at opposite ends of a couch, and both heads fly towards me, while I just stand there feeling a little lost. All of my anger, all of my frustrations of the day have just transformed into pain. I can feel my eyes welling up with tears and my heart thundering in my chest. I feel completely crushed.
Not knowing what else to do, but knowing for certain that I don't want this woman to see me break down, I slowly step back, closing the door quietly behind me. I walk numbly down the corridor in a haze of misery, but instead of making my way back to the crowd, I escape the happy chatter and dancing bodies and turn down the gravel pathway towards the woodlands.
I sit my defeated ass on an old log and start picking at the dried bark, crumbling it to grains between my fingers, while the dark, cool evening air spikes at my exposed skin. They were just talking, but Lisa knows how I feel about her—how I feel about any other woman who she's had—yet she still sacrificed time with me on our special day to see her. I want to scream at her, bash my fists on her chest and yell in her face, but I don't have the energy. All of the fight has been sucked out of me. My spirit has been stripped down by drama, mine and others, and it's left me feeling exposed and vulnerable. And doubtful, too. Right now, on my wedding day of all days, I'm doubtful I can maintain the strength I clearly need to spend my life with Lisa—spend my life fighting off women and problems...issues. The tears I've been holding back jump straight from my eyes onto my lace. I'm powerless. I can't make these women go away, I can't strip Lisa's past from her, and I can't control other people and what they do. The one thing I could do is take my pills so that I don't get pregnant. If I could stop losing them, that is. I drop my head in my hands and sob quietly to myself. I've not even got the energy to cry properly.
Through my low, pathetic weeping, I hear her approaching behind me. I can smell her scent. And through my total numbness, I can still feel her presence. Every part of my being senses her, but my eyes don't want to look at her.
I brush my tears away and sniff a little. 'I know you're there. ' I say quietly, keeping my eyes pointing downwards.
'I know you do. ' Her evenly spaced steps crunch over the ground, getting louder as she nears, and in my peripheral vision, I see her lower herself next to me. But she doesn't touch me. Her hands are clasped in front of her, her thumbs circling each other slowly. I can hear the tail end of her heavy breathing subsiding. She's been running around the grounds like a madwoman trying to find me, and now she's just sitting next to me, all silent when she should be explaining herself, explaining why she abandoned me on our wedding day so she could see a woman who's in love with her—another woman who's in love with her.
I laugh to myself. 'Isn't it funny how we're so in touch with each other, yet you sit here now and don't know what to say to me?' I see her shift next to me, and then her hand drifts across the space between us and rests on my thigh, her heated touch doing things that I really don't want it to do. I look down at her spread fingers, her diamond wedding band that matches my own, sparkling as she flexes her hand and squeezes my thigh. 'So she touches me.' I say quietly.
'She loves you.' she whispers.' She wishes she could eliminate the past that's hurting you.'
I turn my face to hers and see her eyes filled with regret. 'Then why did you see Miyeon? On our wedding day, when you vowed to have me by your side all day, why did you desert me to see her?'
'I couldn't leave her at the gates with guests arriving, Roseanne.'
'So tell her to go away.'
'And cause a scene?'
