BROKEN PIECES OF HIM.

CHAPTER 14 | Lonely

 
KADER HADID

 
I am looking at the first family photo that we all took when we were all having dinner. My whole entire family without anyone missing. I felt happy and content for the first time in many years. I couldn't believe that it was real, for a moment I felt like I was dreaming and I would wake up and realize that it was just a dream but it wasn't. My family was finally complete and that was one of the happiest days of my life.

I thought we would just bond and all of us would be happy but I was wrong because things have changed. our lives have changed and it's harder than i imagined. My youngest son is struggling with the fact that his aunt, the woman he called mother, was the one responsible for all our nightmares and he hasn't accepted his little sister and that hurts me more than anything because I want all my children to love, protect and accept each other no matter what.

Amara is a very sweet child and I love her to death. She is trying to accommodate her brother even though Omar is making it difficult for her but my child is patient with him and that hurts me because Omar is the older one and he's supposed to be more understanding but he's not and it's all my fault that he is behaving this way because I have always allowed him to get away with a lot of things and now he thinks that he can treat his sister like she is not his sister.

I treated him like the last born i thought he was and he was very young when we thought his mother was dead so I always made sure that he didn't feel like he was neglected and his aunt helped a lot by stepping up and playing a motherly role with him and his siblings but little did i know that she was the cause of our problems. The time for Omar to grow up and be an adult has come. He needs to fix his attitude, his life too and know that Amara is his sister and she is not going anywhere. That's my last born child and no one will make her feel like she isn't part of this family. I love my baby the most out of all my children and right now, her happiness comes first. Her and her mother.

I sigh deeply, pour myself a glass of water and drink it then stare at my beautiful wife's picture. Things between Nozi and I aren't great at all. I feel like she is still angry with me in a way and she hasn't opened up to me the way i thought she would. Our relationship stresses me a lot because I am scared that she will tell me that she wants nothing to do with me romantically. I don't even know if she still loves me. I have been giving her the space she asked for, not putting pressure on her but I have been patient for two years not wanting to overwhelm her and waiting for her to come to me when she's ready but that doesn't seem like it is going to happen and I don't know what to do anymore.

She's going through counseling, all of them are and I have been hoping that maybe our relationship would be somewhere not, not like how it used to be but towards the step of us getting back what we lost. When I try to talk to her about us, she closes up and that makes me pull away from her. It hurts seeing the woman you love panic when you try to get close to her. It hurts not being able to touch her the way I wish I could even though I tell her everyday that I love her so much.

I wish she would open up to me and tell me what scares her about me or our relationship. She's finally back in my life but I feel like the Nozibusiso that I knew, loved and married died in that place and maybe I will never have her back. I touched her once, the first day I saw her after years. I held her as she cried, she fell asleep in my arms and at that moment. I felt my wife, my soulmate and I couldn't hold back the tears that escaped my eyes. For a moment I had Nozibusiso and then I didn't, I was like a stranger to her. After that moment she let me in and comforted her and each other.

The children think that things between us are good but they don't know that even though we sleep in the same bedroom, we don't share a bed. I sleep on the couch and she takes the bed. They think that we are working through our marriage and are planning to get married again and I want that but their mother might possibly not. It hurts to think that I might lose her after years of grieving and when I have just had her back in my life. I can stand many things but losing my wife again will kill me, it will tear me into pieces. I need to make things right but I have no idea where to start.
My phone rings pulling me out of this sad feeling I have.