Passion is the Divide Between Hunger and Need: A Tears of Shame Novel

Chapter 24: Apparition

... thanks fo suggesting the song!!

so sorry it took so long... but I have been slammed with personal issues lately =(

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Recap chap 23:

I felt as though my body and mind had been completely severed and I had absolutely no control over either one. So, I ran. It was all I could have done. But not before I noticed Ronan had crumpled to the floor in a massive tear filled heap of quivering flesh. My mind was sickened by my harshness and what I had reduced him to, but my body rejoiced enthusiastically. I continued as fast as my feet carried me, to the one place I held sacred, my mother’s grave.

I honestly hoped beyond hope, that there was a chance that my mom’s presence could have heard my silent cries for help and guided me into forgiveness. I may have been devastated and hurt, but deep in my heart I knew that I loved Ronan, because there was no way I meant those words I had spoken to him. But once they were said, I feared I could never have taken them back.

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Chapter 24: Apparition

Lianna POV

I struggled to have kept my legs underneath me, as I ran as fast as possible to my mother’s grave side. I slumped to the ground, sprawled out in the damp grass as tears and sadness overtook me. I hadn’t wanted this, I hadn’t asked for any of this, but somehow tragedy and turmoil always seemed to have found me. I never asked for a life complicated and tainted with lies and doubt, but as I laid in the soft grass, with light rain that had fallen and begun soaking my body, I couldn’t deny that it seemed as though fate had other plans for me.

Was this what my mother had felt when she realized that all she had endured was inevitable, unchangeable? It left me with a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. All I wanted in that moment was the one thing I could never have received, the loving embrace and calming words of a mother I had never really met.

‘Mother, I love you and I need you.’  I beckoned to her wordlessly. I knew full well that her presence lingered in this place, but I had only felt her energy and heard her words whispered in the wind. Desperate and dejected, I curled myself into a ball and let my tears flow freely. My thoughts returned to what I had done. I had let them all feel my anger, fear and pain, pushed my feelings of the envisioned attack onto them.

I was bitter, angry and betrayed, but I should never have done that because it was far too much for any of them to have experienced. They weren’t accustomed to the onslaught of emotion that could sometimes have been disorienting and maddening. It wasn’t Ezra who worried me, although I was certain what I had shared with him would cause him to never want to touch me sexually again.  It was my dad and Ronan who I had hurt and frightened, for that I was remorseful. I wanted so much to have forgiven Ronan, but my body refused to have listened to my mind for even an instant.

I knew he was guilty, regretful and apologetic. I felt the agony and sadness that filled him as I accused my uncle of being a monster and told him that I hated him, that he was nothing to me. It broke my heart as well to have uttered those harsh words, but I could not have stopped it. There was a total disconnect between my mind and body.

I was awful, a spiteful and hateful person who definitely was undeserving of the complete devotion and love that I still felt emanate from my uncle as I screamed hateful words in his face. I broke his heart and made him despise himself. How could I live with myself if he had left because of what I had said to him? My father would never have forgiven me if I drove his brother away. I felt the hurt and disappointment crash into me from my dad when I had run so eagerly away from any further confrontation.