🖤Mattheo Riddle Oneshots 🖤

This Is Me Trying

TW: Mentions of suicide

I've been having a hard time adjusting, I had the shiniest wheels now their rusting...

I had always been known for my happiness. I tried not to show anyone the darkest part of my self, but towards the end of my time at Hogwarts everyone saw the bad side of me. My friends were worried, but I brushed it off like it was nothing. Especially after him and I's last fight that was when my light was totally shut off.

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that...

Although I told everyone I needed a change of scenery he knew it was because of him. He knew that I would be studying "abroad" for the rest of term. First person in Hogwarts history actually. No one had ever been enrolled yet studying in America. 

I wanted to come back. I really did and to be completely honest I was afraid. Afraid to see his face again. Afraid that his dark eyes would meet mine and instead of softening like they normally would, I was afraid they would get even darker and look back at me with hatred. Now, I do regret not going back sooner.

Could've followed my fears all the way down...

One night before I decided to study abroad I went to the Astronomy tower. That was the first time I had ever thought of taking my own life away. In that moment I realized I needed to put my well being over my feelings. Feelings towards this place. I had always loved Hogwarts, it was my sanctuary. It gave me a place to be away from the harsh judgement of my parents at home.

And maybe I don't quite know what to say but I'm here in your doorway

And so after 3 months abroad in America I have decided to come back. It is the first night of term, so I didn't see anyone today as I used the floo network. Before I knew it I was back in front of the door I had opened and closed so many times. Dorm number 161. I realized what I was doing and turned around ready to make the treck back to the girls domortories when the door behind me swung open. 

I turn around to face the person who made me leave and somehow, from overseas drew me back in to this place. He had let his hair grow out a little and I realized it was longer in the back then what I remembered.

"Y/N?", his voice was nothing but a whisper, but it felt like a scream as it sent chills through my body.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything, so I sat there frozen in time. It seemed as if hours went by in complete silence.

"What are you doing here?", he asked, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence.

"I decided to come back", I whispered, not daring to meet his eyes.

He sighed and pinched his nose before stepping aside. I took it as an invite into his dorm. He shut the door behind me and I stood awkwardly as he sat down on his bed.

"You can't just disappear for 3 months and come back with no explanation", he said anger rising in his features.

I swallowed trying to find the right words.

"I just wanted you to know that this is me trying", I said trying to explain.

"trying to what?", his voice sliced through me like a knife.

"trying to stay away from you. I literally had to move overseas for my own well being", his face softened a little and our eyes finally met. He looked at me with something that wasn't hatred or love. It was curiosity.

"Everyone said you had a great opportunity, so you took it", he said looking at the ceiling as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

They told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential...

"I wasn't okay in any shape or form. Dumbledore told me I had "potential" and gave me the option to study at Ilvermorny for a term or however long I wanted. It didn't work out well I wasted most of my time thinking", I said.

"Isn't that what you are supposed to be doing at a school?", he said not loosing his snarkiness in 3 months.

"I wasn't thinking about the right topics," I said, my eyes looking at the floorboards, which hadn't changed one bit. 

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about you, Y/N.", he said taking the hint I gave him.

And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that...

"I didn't mean what I said", I said referring back to our last argument we had. I had said many mean and hurtful words. The words not only hurt him, but it hurt me just to say them.

"I-", I could tell he didn't know what to say. He cleared his throat and continued: "Neither did I. But-"

"No buts. That's always your excuse. I need to know what you're feeling Mattheo. Not what is supposed to happen or what's "best" for me.", I said interrupting him.

"You know it's not that simple, Y/N." I knew he was serious when he said my first name. His face fell into his hands, and my gaze settled on him. I had already noticed his hair, but there was something else about him that wasn't the same as before. He just looked more tired.

"It could be", I said crossing my arms.

Fell behind all my classmates and ended up here...

"My grades slipped when we broke up", I said continuing on, "That was another reason why I had to leave"

He brought his face up from his hands, "But you were always top of the class, I know how much that meant to you"

Poured my heart out to a stranger but I didn't pour the whisky...

"I went to a lot of parties in America and I told a lot of random people about us", I laughed thinking about ridiculous this sounded, "They just kept pouring me drink after drink and I couldn't stop. At least I tired I guess"

He didn't say anything and just stared at me like I was a puzzle that needed solving, so I decided to continue:

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound, it's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you...

"I really didn't want to be there. Everything reminded me of you. I even thought I saw you a couple of times, but it was just my mind playing tricks on me", I paused again this time he cut me off:

"You don't think it was hard for me?", he said angrily standing up from his bed. "You don't think I didn't think about you every second of every day? Well I hate to tell you this, but you aren't the only victim. I was hurting myself more than I ever hurt you. How do you think it felt when I hadn't seen you in the halls for a while when I overheard one of your friends talking about you and America? Well I will tell you, not very fucking good"

I didn't expect this from him. This is the first time he had opened up to me in a long time.

"I couldn't stay here", I said tears in my eyes now, "You shut me out and wouldn't let me help you"

"I don't need help from anyone", he replied with no emotion.

"You and I both know that is a lie"

"Don't act like I acted that way for no reason. You can take a good guess of why I had to shut you out. It wasn't a choice. It was for your safety." He was walking closer to me now, which made my body tense with every step.

I shook my head and looked down not knowing what to say. When I looked up again our bodies were inches apart. 

"You know I never wanted to hurt you", he said putting some of my hair behind my ear.

I choked on a sob. He didn't know what his touch did to me, even now.

"Let's try again", he whispered as he trailed his hand down the side of my body.

I looked into his eyes making sure he was being serious and smiled. He noticed my smile and smiled back before brushing his lips against mine for the first time in 3 months.