Four Years... (On Hold)

5. Crazy year

Avi's Pov

Here comes the year when I've opened my eyes... More or less. I had always liked Mitch, even loved him in a way. I had a huge tenderness for him, but not in the way he was dreaming of, as you can see. But this next year, something happened to me. It hit me for the first time because of "Run To You."

I wrote this song and have always sung it thinking to the true love I was longing for. But when we shot the video, a few months after the studio recording for the album, images of Mitch came to my mind unexpectedly. I was so surprised and confused! I tried to get rid of them, focusing on the idea of the true love I was wishing to find. And I saw him, again and again, like an afterimage behind my eyelids.

Then we made the video for Valentine. I was moved by his voice more than usual. And when we recorded "Say Something"... I was picturing myself begging him to speak to me, like a a lovesick puppy! I felt so ridiculous.

But it went worse. I couldn't take my eyes off him, trying not to be caught staring at him. We were on Tour. A lot in theTour Bus, with the promiscuity which it involves. I know I've not always been a pleasant bandmate at that time.

I was beginning to dream of him, and these dreams became more and more uncomfortable for me. For God sakes! I was straight! How could I dream of a man in this way? I felt really disturbed and thought I was becoming crazy.

The worse was that I couldn't decide to talk about this to anyone. Neither to my sister, nor to Kevin, who were usually my two best confidants. This first half of the year has been a real torture. It was like fighting against myself, and I was despising myself at the same time.

And Mitch was... so nice with me. Softer than the year before. Whatever had disturbed him seemed to have faded away, enough at least to make him look more peaceful. He was losing weight, and was slowly turning back to this charming fragile appearance he had when I first met him. But more mature. He was turning me mad.

Furthermore, he seemed to have found back all his natural sassiness, in a higher level. He and Scott were more and more shamelessly playful in their Superfruit videos, and I was watching them again and again, during long sleepless night... I was jealous of Scott.

All what I had was our funny banter game on Twitter, but Mitch seemed less into it recently. He was acting more like a good friend, which was sweet but somewhat frustating too.

I did worse. When I felt far too desperate, I even looked for and read some fan fictions written by fans who were shipping us... I had neverdone that before. I felt so ashamed, but I couldn't help it. Even if I felt kinda worse after that...

Mitch widened his eyes and covered his mouth with his free hand, slightly blushing. He glanced at their three kids, who seemed to be rather startled. There had good reason to be!

But Avi seemed to be willing to be completely honest. Mitch just hoped it would be fine for their youngest son, whose expression was indecipherable at the moment. Avi went on, completely caught in his memories.

I tried to forget all these crazy thoughts and dreams by dating girls, more and more. Well, it was one-night stands only. It was so easy on Tour, and we were gone the day after. But it was almost worst actually. When I began to think of him instead of the girl who was in my arms, it frightened me. I decided to stop.

In July, we were at A Cappella Academy. It was my big project, my dearest dream. I dived into it and for a week, I found back a kind of peace, surrounded by teenagers passionate by music like me.

Avi paused, giving his turn to Mitch. He was slightly breathless, as if the reminder of these months was still painful in away. He was staring at their intertwined hands on his lap. Mitch smiled softly at him.

*****

Mitch's Pov

This first half of the year has been so different for me! Of course, I had no clue of what Avi was fighting against. For my part, I had found a kind of peace, that's right. I was resigned, but at least in peace. And as I had promised to myself, I began to take care of my health. I started to eat vegetarian, then I tried a gluten free diet, supported by Kirstie who wanted to do the same. I paid attention to the clothes I was wearing. I wanted to feel beautiful. For myself, and maybe, deep inside, for the lover I still called Avi and who was living in my mind...

We were all worried about Avi though, he seemed so stressed most of the time. And despite my good resolutions, it was hard for me to see him jumping from the arms of a girl to another.

But I tried to be a good friend. And litle by little, it seemed that I was able to lit him up a little, to make him smile from time to time... A Cappella Academy has been a special week, for sure. He was so happy and so proud in the best way!

Then we went back on Tour in Asia, Japan and Australia. It was new, exciting and so rewarding! I noticed that Avi hardly flirted with any woman during that time. He was focused on performing on stage, arranging and recording for our next album, doing interviews and promotion stuff. I felt kinda relieved, even if this new behaviour was accompanied by a kind of sadness...

I'd been writing some lines from time to time that year, almost mindlessly, and it appeared to be a kind of love song. I realised during summer that it was clearly directed to Avi. My imaginary Avi. But of course I had to keep it for me.

Avi closed his eyes at theses words, smiling fondly.

I wrote See Through in almost one night, like a shout. The band liked it and we arranged it easily. I felt that Avi was staring at me more than needed when we recorded it, but I brushed that thought away.

During fall and the beginning of winter, we've been very busy, and well rewarded for all our hard work. This year was ending in a wonderful way for PTX. In the meanwhile, Avi was both rather aloof and very nice with all of us. He just seemed... out, most of the time. I mean, as if he cared about nothing. The amount of times I wanted to hug him to comfort him! But I didn't dare to, first because he didn't seem to allow any of us to get closer to him in anyway, and second because, honestly, I didn't want to wake up my own feelings and suffer like the past year.

December has been the craziest month. TV shows, public events, promotional trip to Japan (after Europe in November), our Christmas album going gold, then platinum... After only a few days in our families, we went in Anguilla for a New Year's show. Avi brought a girl with him. The first one in about six months. I broke inside.

Mitch's voice trailed off in a shaky whisper. He closed his eyes. Avi spoke in turn. It seemed they were now telling their story with the same voice coming from one or the other indifferently.