Hiding Behind The Music - Lilly's Soundtrack

Hiding Behind The Music - Chp 23 [Turn It Off]

"And the worst part is/Before it gets any better/We're headed for a cliff/And in the free fall/I will realize I'm better off/When I hit the bottom" - Paramore – Turn It Off

My eyes flickered opened to darkness, the only light was the moon’s light slivering in through the glass. Frantic I sat up my head spinning.

I didn’t stop to think I jumped off my bed and ran stumbling out onto the balcony. He had to be here, I wasn’t safe. Hugo would jump out any moment cause I cut the fuck out of his face, my body recoiled as his cold voice rang through my body. Reaching the deck my chest heaved and I gasped hastily full of dread and fear close to hyperventilating.

Spinning around I squealed.

“Lilly it-“

“Where is he?" I asked full of fear, my body trembling.

Hayden watched me with complete caution “Its o-“

“Haydn where is he? I can’t do this, I swear. I can’t-t-t.” I stuttered my body draining. “I can’t keep doing this, I can’t. He’s going – I can’t. I just….” I sank to my knees my head bowing as tears ran down my face my hands cupped and trembling in front of me. “I swear I can’t do this.” I whimpered.

He crouched down in front of me “Lilly, he’s gone baby.” he soothed.

I shook my head my body vibrating with harsh thick sobs “Can’t do it.” I sobbed repeating it again.

“Lilly sweetie, what cant you do?” he asked in a soft whisper.

I shook my head quickly a soft whimper escaping my lips as I kept my head bet, my sight vague as tears clung to my face and I could taste the salt, my body trembled and shook. “I can’t do this.” I whispered. “I can’t keep strong, I can’t avoid it.” I sobbed. “I'm not strong; I'm hurt, I'm scared, I'm freaked, I'm hollow, I'm just…. I can’t do this.” I sobbed tears spilling as I avoided his gaze. “And what are you doing here?” I asked.

“Me?” he asked his tone unfamiliar.

I looked up with wide searching eyes “Why haven’t you left me yet?” I whispered tears streaming down my face.

Hayden closed his eyes briefly as if sourcing strength. I looked down tears streaming down my face as my body quivered. He suddenly cupped my face so softly, tenderly. I could barely feel his warmth through this cold grip that had claimed me. His eyes were soft, and searching. He just stared and held my gaze as I sobbed tears spilling as all these emotions bubbled and burst at once. Each one sending my heart lunging. I clenched my eyes shut tight trying to escape all these wretched feelings. They were all recognizable feelings, feelings from every encounter; all pain, fear, anguish, disgust, hate, loss; every negative feeling of my entire existents. And they were shedding, bursting and dissolving. It was like in the car park except this time I accepted them and I admitted I wasn’t strong, I let them bring me down. I was shedding all these emotions.

I was letting them go and moving on.

Hayden sat in silence watching me as pain filled my face and I trembled. He held on though, he didn’t let go, it felt like hours or even more of tears and I felt guilty; my life wasn’t that dramatic but it seemed holding it in all this time seemed….dangerous.

My composure was coming back as Hayden spoke softly “Why do you wear this?” he murmured tugging on the bracelet on my wrist softly.

I kept my eyes shut, afraid of more tears “Because it’s connected to you.” I whispered admitting the truth.

“Well I,” he began softly pulling a stand of hair behind my ear “I constantly have you on my mind, I adore if anything worships the photo I have of you, you’re breathtaking and I love your beautiful smile that night at the restaurant, I love the smell of your hair and I love how you stand tall and can laugh and smile. Lilly do you hear what I'm saying?” he pressed. “Your skin is smooth.” He murmured stroking it with his thumb tenderly making me shiver as he brushed a tear away. “You’ve got an amazing voice, your giggle makes me shiver and I'm addicted to the feel of you in my arms. Don’t you get it Lills?” he asked softly and passionately. “I can’t leave you because I am in love with you.”