Street Ties

(35) "Putting It Out There"

Alijah Powell

"So if he dies, does that mean he'd be an organ donor?" Uncle O asked Marco's doctor curiously and I stared at him shocked. He frowned realizing it was a sore subject for me but kept his gaze on the doctor wondering what she was going to say.

"Organ donors have to go through a process. But long story short Mr. Davis and Ajani Powell do not have the same blood type, she's B and he is AB which is very rare and unfortunate which automatically rules him out. She needs an O or an B blood type donor" she said sadly and O nodded realizing it wasn't as simple as that.

"And are those easy to find? Like say I was crazy and I left here and murdered a few people, what are the odds of finding someone with that blood type?" He questioned clearing his throat and the doctor laughed thinking he was joking.

"I'd imagine finding an O blood type would be fairly easy, most of the population has that type and then after would be A then B and then AB" she continued and I sighed locking eyes with O who'd stood up and stretched.

"Well I'm going to go get something to eat and take a nap. I'll be back in a few hours" he smiled evilly and I chewed the inside of my cheek knowing what he was about to do.

My eyes went to Marco who was pale and I couldn't stop my breathing from speeding up. I felt like I was emotionally breaking down.

Closing my eyes I sat still and tears slowly started to fall. I didn't even care that the doctor was watching me there was just a point in time when you're just tired.

"We can talk if you'd like or I can go find someone for you whatever you'd like. Even if I can't come up with a solution it's good to just have someone to listen to you talk" she said quietly and I took a deep breath.

"I'm failing at life and I'm tired. I have to decide if one of my best friends is going to get to live or die, my daughter is ill, my son is bad as hell and I have a newborn. I'm still paranoid for no reason that my husband is going to get tired of me and cheat, I don't know why I feel that way I just do. I can't cry without being ostracized by my family because I'm not suppose to cry, I'm suppose to let them hurt my feelings and take it because I don't deserve to have peace in my life. I feel drained emotionally and sometimes I don't even wanna get out of bed in the morning, I'd rather die. But I have kids that need me and I refuse to die and have them treat my daughter like this. I break down in tears three times a day and I just started cutting again to get out my anger and frustration which is stupid because I'm just hurting myself but I don't care I deserve it. I'm just so sick of being here but nobody seems to fucking get it, and I could never tell them this because if I did I'd be seeking attention, I'd be a brat and so instead I suffer in silence trying to please everyone around me. But the real truth is I don't matter and I need to stop thinking that these people care about me because they don't and realizing that hurts deeper than any blade slicing my skin and anything anyone can ever say about me because nothing I do will ever be right or good enough. The more I hold this in the more I want to just swallow a bunch of sleeping pills and go to sleep because I'm living in hell right now and I want it to stop, but this isn't the worst of it yet" I said through tears.

Ainsley began crying from his car seat and I pushed tears away with the back of my hands. About to take him out of his car seat I paused and locked eyes with Kaine who slowly came in holding flowers for Marco I assumed.

He had a look of horror on his face before he slowly extended his hand giving the flowers to me. The doctor was crying and I sighed knowing I ruined somebody else's mood.

"Um well, I feel abandoned too. People were mean and didn't acknowledge me either and sometimes I thought I'd be better off dead. You're always the one telling people you love them and only a few ever say it back and your problems get pushed to the back because people think you're strong enough to handle it alone when you're not and nobody will ever know how it feels to resent and hate your parents unless they go through it, you wanna love them but you can't because they hurt you so deep, so it's hard to love them or trust. People with abandonment issues don't want pity, they don't want to steal attention they just want a hug and for their feelings of neglect to be understood and until they understand you'll always hate them just like I hate my mom. You're just like me" Kaine said looking down. The doctor stood up and left out fanning her eyes and to give us some privacy.