Fat & Healthy ( How I Survived Shaming and Learned To Love My Body Again)

Callused Buns

While I became addicted to coffee I had these bursts of energy so I decided to try some exercises. I started with a stationary bike because it was cheaper than a treadmill and it looked like it was going to be fun. It was fun for awhile, I had never learned to ride a bike as a kid for my fear of wrecking, I am a very clumsy person so I felt this was a way I could let my imagination go and not think about crashing into trees, running into moving cars and basically breaking my own neck. Also going to the gym was out of the question, whatever exercises I did they were going to be in my own home where only me and my family could see my jiggles and wiggles. There was lots of shaking definitely going on at least one hour every day. My bike had a fan on it and the faster it goes the more air you put out, well a really funny thing that annoyed me at the time was my mom's dog which was this little 5 pound Yorkshire Terrier would get right in front of the fan of the bike but near the pedal and sit liking the air and I guess she thought I was riding the bike to cool her down. This was over ten years ago and she is since passed on, how much I would give to have her back. I would never complain again. That's something I wanna talk about now. Those little things that annoy you the set backs, the family interruptions, the phone ringing, the animals in the way. Let it all go, its small stuff. Every time I exercise and I considered it to be a "Perfect" workout I had actually worse results then when I was interrupted. Not sure why but I take it all with stride now and laugh it off when life happens, cause I guess that's the way it goes. I have learned everything is for a reason. If someone says can you do your exercise tonight and spend time with me now? Say yes and do the exercise later. There will always be a time to exercise if you want to, wanting to is the hardest part. Exercise makes you flexible in more ways than just your body.

Pretty soon I had a embarrassing and painful reaction to the bike. Sore muscles I got use to in fact it I viewed it as like a little trophy each time that I was working hard towards my goal. Again that imaginary number I was heading to where I would become golden. Where I would be happy, where I would be accepted for who I was. I could feel it with each sore muscle that was proof I was trying and reaching for it even thought I had no idea I was going about it all wrong. Exercise was not wrong but at the last chapter I will explain what this means. Maybe you already know If you been through something similar. Now about the side effect and the title of this part of the story. I got callused buns, in other words my butt became a cracker. Dry, brittle piece of hot flesh that actually stayed numb when it was not hot. It was like when you use the rub Icy/Hot but its was never Icy only the hot when it had any feeling at all. So I knew I had to find some other form of exercise. This was not acceptable.

While at the mall with my family I seen a exercise DVD that advertised you could walk inside your own home. It caught my eye and I decided to give it a try. I loved it then and I love it now. I loved it so much every spare moment I spent following the woman on my TV screen and finding joy being able to do multiple workouts. The feeling of learning a new move was exciting and reasons to celebrate with learning another new move because there are lots of moves in cardio walking, you can even when you get flexible kick your own rear. Speaking of my bottom it was now having the feeling back in it and the callous left, thank goodness. Not only that but doing the cardio, aerobics, walking, whatever you call it exercise I for the first time ever since I had started weighing on a scale had dropped down below two hundred pounds. This was when my body was noticeably changing and that should have given me a good feeling. It did sometimes but sometimes I felt like my inside and my outside were breaking apart from each other and I was going to lose one of them. I felt like I was trying to hold on to my old self for fear of changing into someone I could not love. That would have been my idea of the worst life possible much worse than being fat, being someone you could not love. What helped me get in touch with all these new, feelings? Mediation and Music which is going to be the theme in the next part of the story, coming soon.

*Smile Time* I quote lyrics from music all the time because I love having the thought in my head as I am working out. nothing makes me feel more alive than music and exercise. So here is one of my favorite quotes that also is a positive thought. I am not a music promoter or producer or anything of that nature but I just love it a lot and feel the need to share it. On every social media thing I am a part of when they ask for a bio I put music lover first. Always will.

Song Lyrics from the song "Rock It" by Michelle Chamuel - "No one knows what it's like to walk in your shoes. Your colors show and its really nice to see you, do what you do, say what you say. You got to rock it your own way. Why would you do it any other way? There is no one else out there like you." ♥