Fat & Healthy ( How I Survived Shaming and Learned To Love My Body Again)

What Are You Going To Do Once You Dig The Hole?

As I woke up this morning here are some of the mistakes I noticed I made...Misspelled words on twitter, Spilled coffee on my shirt I was going to wear to the doctor's today, Made my cat very angry with me because I was ten minutes late feeding him... this all within two hours of being awake. Now there is a shovel in my mind I see it shining and glittering there, my brain is asking me do you need to use this Jeannie? Do you want to dig a ditch called depression, dig it deep enough where you are going to stay there the whole day? the whole week? the rest of the year? Forever?? How big are you going to make the hole? So I take the shovel from my mind and I dig a small hole but I surprise my brain by pulling out a seed and covering the hole up. Next I feed my brain positive thoughts and with each one the seed I imagine being nourished and fed by sunlight, a little rain and of course faith. For me that is really what it comes down to, I have faith the bad times will not last and that good times are coming. With every problem in my life I plant a new seed, my anxiety does make me hyper for moments, minutes but once I calm down I start to find ways to indeed be like Taylor Swift and "Shake It Off". So I look at the word I misspelled and decide to leave it, this is a great moment for me not to feel the need to correct myself. Look my mistake square in the eye and own it. Sometimes I need to do that, to see the world did not crumble by me being wrong. I got a new shirt to wear to the doctor and I noticed although it was not my first choice I actually liked it better! Go figure that. As for my cat he has long got over his pouting spell and gave me some sweet hugs before he went to sleep, he gets angry easily but forgives quickly and I wouldn't change him even if I could.

Years ago depression got a hold of me and I don't think no one really knows how bad It really was. Every day I got up and ignored all the beauty around me only focusing on that feeling that you can't explain, that fog of its just the same as the day before, there is a darkness in the sunlight, its cold and dreary, life is cold and dreary even if the weather is 100 degrees outside I stayed cold inside. I was checking off the days waiting to die. I did this with a fake smile on my face and laughter when I felt nothing to be happy about because well wasn't that what a good person does? Don't they go through depression alone?? Why do you want to worry your family and friends over nothing? They won't understand anyway so why bother?? That was my brain giving me the shovel and I dug a hole so big it took me three years to climb out. Three years is a long time, but several things helped me along the way, I did not climb out without hands there to help me. To be honest I don't go back to that time too often and I forgot most of what put me there but I do know what helped get me out. Prayer, It's A Wonderful Life, Sunrise from a hospital bed. This was faith staring at me in the face saying it was time to decide how I wanted to spend the rest of my life. There was no wrong choice it was my freewill but I had to remember time does not reverse itself nor do we ever get a redo to live a day over once that day is gone, tomorrow comes and its a fresh start.

I had suffered through tremendous pain from a health condition years ago and I was recovering in the hospital when I turned the TV on and the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" came on, I had missed about twenty minutes of it but I decided to watch it anyway something about James Stewart made me feel something, George Bailey life was starting to become how I felt, when I seen the part in the movie where it was said by the villain in the story that George was worth more dead than alive, it made me so emotional I almost turned it off. So happy I didn't cause I would have missed the best part, It wasn't a wonderful life because every day seemed wonderful It was a wonderful life because everything happened for a reason that George could not see, the angel pointed that out to him and George gave the angel, Clarence his wings by wanting to live. My favorite movie now and forever, It changed my life. The next morning I got up to see the sunrise and it was so Beautiful. Most mornings I slept through the sunrise and missed it but not after that day, never missed a one since. I found my faith and started praying for other people, if I seen someone going through something hard or stressful I prayed for them and felt better myself without them knowing or asking me to, if anyone asked me to pray I dropped what I was doing and did it without thinking honored and thankful they asked me to.

Closing this part of the story I just want to say I have ups and downs and still feel twinges of sadness and depression sometimes for good reason or no reason at all but I go with it and I find a positive in every negative whenever I can. That's what I choose, I want to stand on that bridge and say I want to live just like George did. Next Chapter coming soon about Babies and Animals and how I believe they interpret the human body....P.S. I did not edit or reread this part of the story cause well, mistakes happen *smiley face*

*smile time* this gives me happy tears, rain for the next flower in my garden.

"Each man's life touches so many others lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole. Doesn't he?" ~ Clarence from "It's A Wonderful Life"