Fat & Healthy ( How I Survived Shaming and Learned To Love My Body Again)

He Was A Very Good Dog

Imagine your on your way home walking down the street on a bright, sunny, summer day then all of a sudden things get dark. The wind starts to kick up making you shake from the chill that is deep inside your bones yet you are sweating, the ground is shaking now and there is a big hole pulling you towards it while you are trying with all your strength not to get sucked into the danger your instincts are telling you will be the most painful experience you will suffer right before you die. Holding on to life with every tree branch, pole, any object you can but its useless, the hole is like a magnet drawing you closer and closer with your heart beating faster and faster. That's how my social anxiety feels to me. When I am in a room full of strangers I am being pulled ever so closer into that hole. I like people, I want to be around them I just get flustered at the questions they ask me and most of the time don't know how to respond. When you write you can look over what you are saying, take your time but in a conversation things are rushed. I lost count how many times I stood there while a stranger waited for me to answer them but all I did was smile and blush.

However there is something about young kids and babies especially that puts me at ease. The youth of this world fascinates me, their innocence makes me forget about my own insecurities and I become a protector. So one of my favorite outings is going to the mall with my family on Sunday, despite my social anxiety. Always lots of kids there and sometimes I get to hold one or even just a simple wave will make my day. I have found babies don't care much about what you look like. Whether I was big, small or medium sized whenever I came up to a baby or small kid waving or smiling I would get a happy response if they were in a good mood. If they were crying well they kept crying but that happened also no matter what size I was. I seem to think that babies go more by feeling than looks. I remember as a kid there was one of my parents friends who tried to get me to like him and it just wasn't going to happen, for some reason he frightened me but it was the feeling I got when he was around to be honest I can still feel it but I don't remember anything of what he looked like. The only time I can sense that a baby is thinking about my size is when I pick one up and they reach for my breast. Happens all the time, sizing me up to see how much milk I can hold. That look in their eyes is precious and it makes me laugh every time.

Animals are another wonderful creation that can hate you or love for life. Again I believe it's more about feelings than looks. In my family we had many animals. Never bought any but we had so many ranging from fish, dogs, cats, crabs, ferrets, baby squirrels and so on and on. My uncle even had two pet Raccoon that as babies slept in his shoes at night. If you fear an animal they will think they are superior and will mostly likely have an attitude towards you, If an animal is abused by a human then they may become aggressive towards humans or they may become more lovable just scared but its not based on a number on a scale if they choose to love you its how you make them feel when you touch them, its how much of there heart and your heart they feel come together. I waited and waited for an animal to choose me in my family. They usually ended up choosing my mom or my sister. Oh, the animals loved me but at night they curled up around them or when the door opened greeted them first then me as an afterthought until for my Christmas present when I was twelve years old I got my first real pet that chose me as their human. A shih tzu dog whom was already named Buster. My aunt brought him home after he had been given to her by a lady at her work. He was a year old and had been kept in a cage most of his life. I was obese, had acne all over my face, and this lovable kind creature did not care in the least. He would be tickled to death every day I came through that door when school was over. I never seen my teachers that happy to see me walk into there classroom, I will say that much. But my teachers were all cool and wonderful humans its just there is something when you bond with an animal that is an unspoken bond of loyalty. Maybe he knew that I was locked inside a cage, maybe that's why we bonded. In a way he showed me the way out of my cage and I will always love him for showing me the unconditional love that he did and he has long been passed on to the spirit world where I know he waits for me to join him with his tail wagging and ready to jump on me no matter how big or small my spirit will be.

So to close this part of my story it makes me happy and healthy to be around kids and animals. I don't think about how I look and what size I am because I feel it doesn't matter to them so It does not matter to me either. I just try to show them as much love as I can for as much time as I have with them. Maybe the first step towards peace is when we value the way people make us feel rather than the way they look. Judgement is something we learn to do not what we are born to do, I don't feel its natural but at some time in our life we all let it into our lives its how we make friends and exclude people as friends, its how we bond and how we push people away. The happier we are is the more we let people in and the less we push them away, this is still something I am trying to learn to do, baby steps, baby steps. Next part of the story is going to be about set backs and how I deal with them. Coming soon.

*Smile time* lyrics taken from one of my favorite animal songs called "Feed Jake" by Pirates Of The Mississippi. Yes It does make me cry but in a good way. This will always be a favorite song of mine. Feel like the song sums up my feeling on this whole part of my story. Hope you check it out and love it too. ☺♥

"Feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all. If I die before I wake feed Jake."