Truth

13.Fucked

Evelyn looked at me, her hair a mess on her head and flowing in knotted locks. Her eyes were wild. We were laying staring at each other but not saying anything. I couldn't tell if she was starting to regret what the drink sparked up, I shouldn't have let her I knew that, but I couldn't bring myself to say no. I wanted it too much. I wanted her, but not only in this way.

I wanted to take her to my house to meet my family. I wanted to build a future with both of us in it. I wanted to hold her close at night until we fell asleep. I wanted to protect her from all of the bad things and keep her safe. I wanted to fight with her and make up afterwards, feeling even closer than we'd been before. I wanted to learn everything about her, revise every inch of her body and mind until I knew it like the back of my hand. I wanted to kiss her, softly. I wanted to buy her gifts and make her laugh. I wanted to cook her dinner in our new house together. I wanted to propose to her and for her to say yes, of course, yes. I wanted to have a family with her and grow old with her and die with her. I didn't want to be apart from her. It had been only four months, but I knew I wanted all of this and that would never change.

"We need to keep this between us." She said quietly, I think the alcohol was starting to wear off. She hadn't had all that much.

"Okay." I said.

"I'm not ashamed, and it's not that I didn't like it. I just don't think you want hassle from Lucas, or others to know our business. I hate that, people knowing everything there is to know about you. There's romance in mystery." She said.

I walked alone toward my dorm. My hair was a mess but it just looked like I'd run my hands through it too much in class, which I had missed; again.

There weren't many people around so I just meandered slowly until I got to my door, where I pulled out my key and let myself in.

I shut the door behind me and then leant back against it looking over my room; all of my things out on the desk, the shelves, the floor. I looked at my bed, sheets pushed to the foot and pillow thrown on the floor. It was always like that if I'd had a nightmare.

I had books. They were old ones that Steven had loved and dad had bought. Nobody wanted them and they were on their way to a charity shop when I stole them back. I would never read them. They just reminded me of them.

Half of my clothes were on the floor or over my desk chair. I wanted to put them away but I felt myself getting a bit angry and I didn't know why. I could feel my heartbeat in my forehead and my fists were balled up and I couldn't put my finger on why. A huge pool of anger was bubbling up inside me, like a volcano trying not to erupt.

I had to let it out.

I felt myself striding over to the far wall of my room. My arm pulled back like I was an archer, and my fist was thrown forward as it smashed into the plaster. It crumbled down from the wall and my knuckles were pulsing with a sharp feeling, that wasn't pain. I kept smashing my fist against the wall, over and over and over again. Every time it didn't feel like it was enough. The sound was probably loud, echoing down the halls of the block. I didn't know anyone except for Tarim in the block, and he was the other side of the hall anyway. Also he was probably off being happy with Lucas, balls deep in some guy who loved him back - the lucky bastard.

I couldn't hear a thing; it might as well have been wool I was punching because all I could hear was a loud ringing in my ear. I kicked the wall too, and went at it with my other fist because I felt like I was leaving it out. I kicked the wall again and kept punching. It just made me angrier because it wasn't fighting back, and Evelyn didn't love me - especially not how I loved her.

I felt arms around my torso, trying to pull me away from the wall. Someone tried to stop my arms punching. There was more than one of them. I didn't know who it was. They made me angrier; they were trying to stop me. I spun with my vision a blur and punched the nearest one square in the face before passing out, so all I could see was black.