Truth

20.December

December 11

If I keep drinking, will these thoughts go away? If I keep drinking, the world might go so blurry, that I can't feel anymore. But I've tried that before, and the feelings stayed so real. Because you think people are different and then they throw it back in your face. You think that you can trust someone and you can't.

I just want to get drunk and have sex.

I just want to get drunk and die.

December 12

I want to be happy again, I miss being happy. I miss when I would smile for no reason. I miss when I would go out and laugh a real laugh that I didn't have to force out. I've taken some tablets. Connor got them for me in May and I haven't taken them until now. He said to take one at a time, but I've taken three and it's only two in the morning.

Pearl had found tablets like these in her boyfriend's bag once. She threw them down the toilet and told him if he took something so deadly again then she'd wash her hands of him. I think she was overreacting, but I know my sister better than to tell her.

In all fairness I don't even know what they are/were. I like to think of myself as 'street smart' but I don't even know which drugs are which. People bleat on about how you can smell them or tell what they are from the look of them, whereas I think that's a myth - my friends use it all the time and I spend my time wondering what the heck the things they're exchanging are. I've taken things before, but for the life of me couldn't tell you what they were. In all fairness, why would I need to?

It's none of your business.

And nobody cares anyway.

The whole concept of society is freedom and privacy anyways. If I took something, it wouldn't be anyone else's business. I could eat what I wanted just as I could take what I wanted. It's how things are. I wouldn't change it either, I like having secrets with myself. The less people you let in, the less chance there is of being let down somehow. I think they should teach that in schools, I had to learn it the hard way.

December 14

Kill me now. Save me the trouble. I've stained the carpet with red; I had to get a rug down from the wall to cover it. I hate living.

It's so tiring.

December 23

I used to tell lies all the time. I used to tell them to myself to feel better or worse, but more so I told them to other people. The lies would vary from things I had done or seen to people that I knew or didn't know. I won't go in to detail because I know them, so I don't need to relive them. This would all be fine, as in I could leave it all in the past, if it weren't for the fact that it means I don't always trust people, or believe the things they tell me.

I hear words coming out of their mouths and all I can hear in my head is* BULLSHIT*. I try telling myself that it's all in my head, that I should put my faith into humanity and listen to what they say, but I can't. I don't think it's that easy.

I mean, I told Kate that I was in love with her, just so she'd take off her shirt. There's an example of a lie. I don't think it makes me a bad person; I was just sexually frustrated and forgot how frigid she could be. I was angry at people and I just wanted to have a moment to be selfish. I was tired of orgasming on my own.

Heck, Tarim has told me things about his past about his parents - which I don't think I have the right to so much as think of, let alone mention - that I didn't believe in. He kept telling me all these things, confiding in me, yet I spent the entire time just thinking he was lying to me, and actually getting angry at him for spinning me this intricate and ridiculous story.

I'm such a bad person.

December 24

You don't actually have to do what you're told. Like when someone tells you to do something, like turn on a light for them or pass them their glasses, you don't have to do it. You can just sit and ignore them and they can't do fuck all about it. Like they can have a go at you but they can't hurt you and I think that's fucking amazing.

I don't have to do what other people tell me to do at all. I can just live for me and only me, because I'm not going to live that long anyway, so people won't have time to have a go at me. I can skip class and take people's money, I can hit people I don't know and I can do the opposite of what I'm told. I can speed, I can call people fat and stupid and annoying and cunts. I can call Pearl and tell her I'm never coming home. I can ignore all of my 'friends' and tell them I'm ill or dying. All anyone can really do is get upset, and that won't bother me if I don't care about how other people are feeling. If they don't care about me, why should I care about them?

The world suddenly seems like it's been turned on its end and I can see it from a whole new angle. I still want to die, and I still hate this goddamn planet, but at least it's not quite as unbelievably shit as I once thought it was. It's still mind-numbingly shit. Just not unbelievably mind-numbingly shit. There's a difference, and that difference is the difference between five shots and six, nine tablets or ten.

December 25

I haven't gone home for Christmas. I'm in my lecture hall tonight, because there are practically no staff on campus anymore and only two other students who I don't even know. I only saw them this morning and we've been here for a few weeks now.

I've been left alone to think and drink for too long, but it has helped me realise that I'm the reason I keep getting hurt. I hate that I put myself in that position, so from now on I'm not going to trust anyone fully. I won't tell them anything, 'cause then it can't get thrown back in my face.

Nothing good ever happens to me, and nothing good ever stays. I'm starting to think that I should have taken the incident with Mr McCarthy as a hint, that I should've given up on life then, that I'd been dealt a bad hand and that I should fold or it would bite me in the butt. And I suppose that's where the saying 'you get what's coming to you' comes from. Too many people realising they didn't take their route out when it was staring them in the face. It just means I don't have the right to complain about any of it anymore.