The blonde & The bad

Chapter thirty

‘Emptiness is the hallow feeling in your heart, the pain you get when you remember and the tears that slip out when you realize you still care.’

Like waves crashing into the shore, taking away sand from the beach. Days in my past had taken away parts of me. And today was like that, a day that took away my last hope. My last hope of ever getting my first love back, my last hope of ever healing my broken heart. I stared at my phone laying in front of me on my bed, it was ringing for the fifth time now but I didn’t move.

This past month I got myself through with hope and now it was all for nothing, they had found him. Well his body, he was officially gone. He had left the earth and left me all alone with no answers, until today. Every day was a struggle, walking through school halls gave me shivers. I looked around every room I was in, hoping to see him standing there. His hair and clothes messy and a big smile on his face. But everywhere I searched, I ended up empty handed. Maybe it was indeed better this way, I could close this chapter, I could really let go of Damon. But I would be lying if I said, that I didn’t feel empty. Because I was, I hadn’t heard anything of Guy since the day I heard Damon was missing and well Damon is gone. He is dead.

“He is dead.” I put my hands on my cheeks, feeling the dryness. Even my tears were gone, I had cried every night the first week, but now without hope I had expected to be even more broken than before. But I wasn’t, it’s closure.

“He is gone.” I had no idea, how I would handle this but I was doing okay. But then again I have had a month to get rid of all the pain, and I did. It got me in doubt, was what I felt in the beginning even love at all? I knew I had doubted it these month every day again and again, but now as I sat here without tears I must admit it might be true. Maybe it was all wrong, maybe my mind played tricks with me.  Maybe I was just in love with the thought of being in love, maybe I was in love with the thought of being loved.

All the thoughts I have been having today were like this, disorganized and confusing. Because when I first read the text from Mrs. Sweets saying they had found his body and identified it, I felt like I had that day. Broken, lost and in a lot of pain. But the more I gave it a thought the more my feelings changed. It could also be because of the news I had just got, maybe I have just totally lost it. But what if there’s just the slightest truth hiding in my confusing thoughts? What if it was all just wrong? Hugh talked about the stages you go through after losing your love to death.

Denial. Which I had gone through for at least a week. Those were the days that I would look around every room and hope to see him. I checked my phone every ten minutes, hoping I got a text. I walked by his office before every class I had and I checked in with Mrs. Sweets after every school day. And every day I went back disappointed and more broken than in the beginning.

Then there was the anger. I was mad at everyone and everything, I had tried punching my pillow before I went to sleep. I screamed into my pillow when I woke up in the morning, trying to get rid of the pain. I hated everything and everyone but especially myself. I hated myself for letting Damon in and hurt me like that. I was mad at Damon for putting me through such pain and I was mad at the world for not giving me any sign of Damon.

Then there was that moment when I went through complete desperation. I drove to his house, sat outside on the steps for three hours just waiting. I cried so hard that day, I got so mad and I wanted to hurt myself so bad. But when the night skies set in and I looked up to the starts, I got silent. I sat on the steps for another good hour as I thought about Damon. Just every talk we had, every text I ever sent him and all the kisses we shared.

That moment was the moment when the doubt came setting in. Was I really in love with him? Did I really want to be with him or was I just with him because I needed someone? Did he really love me or was he just with me because Guy wanted me? I had been in this doubtful state for five days now and I just need to say that it’s making me crazy. I started doubting everything I did. It was the pain that made my vision blurry and I needed Damon to clear the skies, but he wasn’t there. So I was lost I had lost sight and I was in pain. When you’re lost and in pain, your world slowly starts trembling down. The ground that had been so steady at first, slowly starts moving and is on the edge of breaking. The people you loved, suddenly start to make it hard for you to love them. And then there are the words you always believed, they suddenly don’t make sense anymore. It’s like you’re reading this book you really like and suddenly it ends in the middle of someone’s pain. It’s like you’re riding this wave and you feel so free but then it ends and you snap back to reality. It’s like this song you’re always listening to that suddenly sounds so awful you start hating it. Nothing in the world was like it seemed, everything was wrong and nothing could be done about it.