Ending Innocence (boyxboy)

Chapter Seven

If I'm supposed to be alive, then why can't I see the meaninng?

Luca’s POV.  

I don’t look up when she speaks. Her voice hasn’t changed since I last heard it. Caden and Ty look at me. I feel their confused gazes on me. Tears burn my eyes. Everything starts to crumble around me. But the tears don’t fall. They continue to burn my eyes. The sound of tires screeching on the road makes me look up. Dante and nonnino are in the car. Dante rushes over to her. But nonnino comes to my side. He slings my bag over his shoulder and whispers for me to go to the car. His voice fades the closer I get, but I can tell he’s talking to them. I close my eyes and lean my head against the head rest. The thumping of my heart is out of control. I hear them speak, their voices edging closer to the car.

“Everything’s okay now Luca. We’ll be home soon.” Dante’s voice breaks through my haze.

“Was she long there?” I shake my head. Nonnino sighs.

“She must have tracked us down. Robert’s not that smart, anyway, he wouldn’t know where here was anyway. He’s not exactly bright.”

“That old hag is trouble. I never like her. Ask your nonnina, she’ll tell you how much I always disliked her.”

Dante huffs a laugh. “No need gramps. I’ve always known what they were like, well not in that way, but you know what I mean. We’re alike in that sense. I never liked that side of the family much.”

“Didn’t grandma dislike her too?”

“You’re right. She always said the woman made her feel cautious. I have to agree with her there. They always were a strange family. I honestly think they would give their lives for their God.” He shudders, making Dante chuckle.

I block them out. The calm of their voices scares me. They are never calm. Not when they come back. It’s like they know something, something they haven’t told me. I curl up into a ball. My brain won’t slow down. It’s gone into overdrive. Thinking and thinking, making me question my own sanity. I’m not insane. People see me that way because of my hate of life. But they don’t understand. The pain I cause is why I can’t be here anymore. It’s not just my pain, it’s theirs. I’m hurting everyone I love by simply breathing. Even Caden, who doesn’t know me, is hurt by my every breath.

You hurt yourself by caring. They hurt themselves by loving you. So why not stop the hurt? All you have to do is end it. They’ll be better off without you.

The weather is changeable. The signs of a winter snow coming are there. In the way the white clouds are greying and the fact I can see my breath in front of me. Such subtle little hints of what should be my last snow. It’s not a feeling of sadness that passes through me though. No, there’s never been sadness at the thought of my death. But a great relief fills me. The relief of not having to pretend for much longer, it consumes me whole. The end of my life won’t be overthought. It will be done in a moment of despair and won’t fail. Not again. It can’t fail a second time because failing means living, and living is no longer the healthy option. Living means passing sickness and dread onto the people who love me. I won’t do that anymore.

“Come on kiddo. Let’s get inside.” Dante whispers in my ear.

I look at his face. There are wrinkles under his eyes. Worry lines crease his forehead too. He’s twenty one for fuck sake, and he will tell me he’s fine if I ask. So why would I ask? He doesn’t take his own health and well-being seriously. None of them do when it comes to me. Nonnina comes out of the house and ushers us inside. She hands me a mug of hot chocolate and smiles up at me. Her grey hair is tied back and shows off her ageing, but beautiful, face.