Making Babies #NewAdult

~Four~

Insomnia was what I was subjected to the previous night; I couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried. It was frustrating as my lack of slumber had nothing to do with the exhausting state I was in. I stayed fully awake, sometimes tossing and turning in my bed while a part of the city, understandably a tiny part, was peacefully dreaming away.

This thing, this proposal had me in complete shambles, occupying my brain to its full capacity. So for most of the night, tossing and turning were the only things I had control over. What kept appearing in the forefront of my thoughts was the fact that, though Billie and I talked about the most important pro in this whole situation, there was still a big chance that I would freak out at the last minute.

Could I actually go through with it and give my baby away and not be part of its life? Never getting the chance to raise that baby and watch her/him grow up. Could I actually do this? Give my baby away and be like any other stranger that he or she would most likely never get know.

The more I thought about it, the more addled I became. The dilemma would have been non existent if it weren't for the fact that, with five million dollars, it was likely that I would be using my eggs, thus making the child mine as well. I was almost certain that he wouldn't have offered that much money if it weren't the case.

So, while the benefits out weighed the cons, the biggest con of all, was staring right at me, as big as an iceberg in the ocean. There was no way I could turn the blind eye and pretend that it didn't exist. And if I was to accept the offer, I had to know everything from him first.

I got up to make myself a cup of tea in order to relax a bit. It was probably five or six in the morning by then and the sun was now rising, the beauty of it so overwhelming, yet taken for granted by the millions of people already up and on their grind. But I knew better, and because of that, I wanted nothing more than to sit at my window and watch the magic happen while drinking my tea. Total heaven.

I wondered what would be the acceptable time for me to call Frederick. I felt as though a man like him probably woke up early to start the busy day I was sure awaited him. But, would it be rude of me to ring him when it was barely six and most people were still asleep? After all it was a Saturday.

After debating on the subject for what felt like hours but really was minutes, I decided to wait on it for maybe an additional hour and then call him, that way I'd be sure it was a decent hour.

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Since I lived on the fifth floor of my shitty apartment building, I loved to watch people passing by. I would often create a completely different life for them which for some weird reasons, made me feel closer to them; like they were characters in my book and thus I needed to construct a life for them. I smiled. If only that were a case.

There was this older woman that lived in my building that I loved watching pass under my window while she walked her little dog. I don't know what it was about her, but beside Billie, I had never had a connection like this with anyone in my twenty two years of life. Not even with my parents. But somehow, this one in particular, went straight to my heart. I always thought that I would one day, find the courage to talk to her.

She meant so much to me, and this little lady had no idea. When I finally met her and found out how amazing she was, I knew my heart had been right all along. We'd been friends ever since.

The woman in question was in her early eighties when we met, but she was so full of life and joy, with all the gooey and wonderful feelings we seek in our lives.

Having her in my life was one of the best things that could have happened to me. She was more of a mother figure to me than my own mother ever was. Sometimes I wondered if she even knew how much she meant to me. The energy she put into the world was something I had become addicted to, the way she viewed the world and how easily she forgave, made me want to be better and do better.