Making Babies #NewAdult

~Thirty One~

        From the moment I stepped into Jonah's Ford's Escape, I kept battling my mind in order to not think about what was surely to happen the second I arrived home.

         The thing was, my home was broken. Shattered into pieces that I was trying to figure out how the hell I would ever put back together. The truth of the matter was, once something was broken, it didn't matter anymore how much effort you put into it, it would forever be damaged, would never be the same again. There would always be something missing.

       For me, that something was such a huge loss that I didn't even want to try to put my home back together again. Because I knew, I knew the second she died that it would never be the same again.

       So why even fight a battle that could never be won.

        Why try to piece back together something that had been forever damaged? There would always be those visible cracks on the surface, and that couldn't possibly be fixed.

        "I guess I should go in." I said, standing in front of Jonah who looked quickly inside the glass doors of the building we were standing in front of, my apartment building. Anything to keep me from pushing through those doors and entering the building.

         Being faced with the knowledge that there would be remains of the life I had with Mrs. Winslet didn't help the fact that I was purposely trying to avoid it at all cost.

          I hadn't cried, I realized that now. I hadn't cried and I told myself that I shouldn't, maybe because it hadn't sunk in yet that she was gone and I knew that once I entered my apartment, it would all basically come crashing down and I wasn't ready for that. Not yet, I wasn't ready to acknowledge the fact that when I stepped into my apartment, she wouldn't be propped on the couch watching a DVR'd episode of Ellen.

       "Will you be okay?" He asked, and to which I answered with a simple nod of my head, averting my eyes in hope that he wouldn't catch me on my lie. Because the truth was, I wasn't okay, in fact, I was far from okay. I didn't know how I would handle being in the apartment I shared with Mrs. Winslet when she wasn't going to be there anymore.

          How would I ever handle not having her around anymore. How?

          He looked at me quizzically and I sighed In defeat, deciding to just tell him the truth of what was on my mind. I knew that I didn't know him very well... I didn't know this man at all really, beside being certain I've met him at the party, a few months ago. But, he was the only person I had there at the moment who cared enough to worry about me.

          "I don't think I can handle what's inside my apartment once I get in." I breathed out, with my eyes closed and my heart beating a bit faster than usual. I felt the tears though, fighting, trying to escape, trying to sneak up on me.

        "What's inside, Eva." He heard him asking. I took a deep breath, surely that feeling inside of me couldn't get any worse than it already was.

         "Everything that's her. Everything that would absolutely remind me of her. Everything that she owned that I would never ever be able to part with." I sighed and opened my eyes and find him staring at me with eyes so profound, so sympathetic. And then right there, right there he nodded once as if he understood completely and when I felt a light and feathery touch grazing my arm, I followed the act with my eyes and smiled. I smiled because strangely enough, I felt better.

         "Okay," Jonah said finally. "How about I take you to go check on the dog and then after that we'll go get some lunch because I'm pretty sure you haven't ate and I'm also certain that you must be starving."