•Letters•

9.

My lovely Luke,

It's 3am, Noah is crook and won't leave my side. All a kid wants where they're sick is their parents mainly their mum. I've been thinking and thinking about the quote I read on the train and I looked it up on Google to see if I could work out what it meant and I did.

I think I know the reason you left but I'm probably wrong. I did something wrong and I felt the fault was all mine.

What did I do wrong Luke? Please tell me.

It's paining me inside thinking it's all my fault, you have no idea what I'm feeling. You never will. Nobody ever will.

I'm starting to feel like Noah has an idea because your hurting him to. He needs his dad, a man in his life. A father figure who's not your friends.

He needs another blood relative as great as Calum, Ash and Michael are, he looks up to them but what I want is, what I really want is for him to have his dad to look up to.

Is that to much to ask for?

I've been 3 weeks clean now, I sit and talk to Noah every night and tell him what's going on in my mind and he tells me whats going in in his.

There is one thing he said to me, it's heartbreaking Luke.

'Why can't uncle Mikey, uncle Ash or uncle Cal be my daddy? And make you happy? They love you.'

My heart shattered Luke, into a million pieces but I didn't cry. I told him that they all had families of there own and they are going to have their own babies.

His response to that made me see how smart he is, for a 3 and 1/2  year old he knows a lot. A lot more than any 3 and a 1/2 year old should know.

I don't know how I still have tears left to fall, the amount that I have let fall down my cheeks. Into my hands, sleeves of your jumpers and into my pillows.

How is it possible? Please tell me or anyone should tell me.

I have so many questions and all these different theories about what has happened to you, what may or may not have made you leave.

Tell me it's not me, that's one thing I want to know. I want to know that I'm not the reason you left but it was something else that happened.

My head is starting to pound, Noah will be awake soon enough. I'm sure Buster will want to go outside soon.

Please Luke I need me questions answered, not all of them but maybe just some. Some questions, I ask myself the same thing every night.

'Is it my fault?'

That's the one question I would really like answered.

I hate you xo

Jasmine x

-

This is one emotional book I cry when I write most chapters

How was your Christmas? What did you get?

I'm happy because I got concert tickets, I cried in front of all my family

Oh and heartbreak_hemmings you really need to update  ((Sorry had to put that in there.))

Much love

~ Jodie x