{2} never alone.

{27}

The cold wooden floor comes into contact with my knees and face as I look for you underneath the bed.

"Are you gonna come out now?"

Rain falls from your face, you are the sky, my sky because all I see is you and you are so blue, all the time and not because of shitty everyday life, you're always sad because you don't know who you are, you're sad and frustrated because you want to find yourself. I can never change the melancholia in your heart, my love. I can never comfort you and tell you that you will find yourself eventually because you know, you know that time does a lot of things, it heals, it drifts, it changes and kills and you are so wise for your age so what can I tell you that you don't already know? What can I comfort you with that doesn't already torture you?

"No, I don't want to." you lie flat on your back and stare at the underside, I see worlds in your eyes and wish I could imagine what you see by simply looking at the bottom of your creaky bed, you are poet, a writer. You didn't tell me until I knew you for a few months and you seemed ashamed of it but your words are beautiful and raw with emotion. You create a whirlwind with your words, they're confusing but read it as a whole and you'll understand. You love metaphors and big words that you don't understand but even then you won't look them up, you'll just pretend to understand until eventually you do. I admire that about you, because you do that with your shyness as well, you fake your confidence but I hope one day you'll find your own.

You're not lazy - as you keep telling yourself you are - you're tired, a lot of the time because you spend too much time in your stupid notebook - the one that only I know about, it's unsuspecting with the curly words 'Believe In Your Selfie' written on the bright, pink, fluffy cover but I've glimpsed inside and there's nothing pink and fluffy about it but it's not dark and depressing, it's real with squiggly words and untidy handwriting, even bad grammar or spelling, dare I say - writing about worlds I can't even comprehend, writing about sadness I don't understand.

You are grateful for everything you have and you resent your sadness, you don't embrace and soak in it like others. You feel that you don't have a right to be sad when there is so much more sadness in the world but we watched a movie together once - or you told me about because you're too shy to watch a movie with me - about a women who came from Vienna in the time of war and met a man and the women said that she doesn't feel she has the right to be happy when there's so much sadness in the world and the man replied I think you should rather ask why be unhappy. You're doing the world a favor, my love. Your happiness is so infectious and even I forget my problems when I'm with you but maybe that's because I'm drawn to you and you to me. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to feel beautiful and you deserve to feel like you belong in this world. I know you don't feel like you belong because you're so different from everyone else but that's just it, someone sent you here to bring joy into people's lives, someone sent you to change the face of business - because that's what you want to do when you grow up - they didn't send you here to fit in, go with the flow or be a sheep they sent you as a gift and even though you don't feel as if you're that special I'm grateful to whoever sent you here.

Your face creases and another bout of rain falls from your face. I slide myself underneath the bed to lie with you, to try and see the world on the underside of your bed.

"Hey, hey," I take your hand and you look at me with your plain brown eyes, your round face and red cheeks stained with crusty, white tears. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the sea, staring at a goddess. You knows just the right way to make me feel like I'm drowning and flying at the same time, "this is not you're fault, you're not a mistake, you are going to get through this and whether you like it or not I'm gonna be here every step of the way." you never cry like this. You've never said it and I don't think you comprehend it yourself but you hate to cry in front of people about your insecurities, I feel special because you've done it in front of me. I want to feel like you trust me, even though I know you don't, not fully, and I'm not sure why but I respect it. I respect you for not following everyone else's example of falling in love even though I know you want to but you're too scared, too shy, too independent.

You doesn't speak, just rain silently and look at me with your drowning eyes. How do you explain a feeling to someone you don't even understand yourself? I'm not in love - I'm not sure why but I resent it, I feel that if you're in love, you'll know, you won't be confused as I am now. You're too shy to go out with me in public and too scared to be alone with me. You believe in God and I...don't. I don't know what I believe but I feel something whenever I'm around you, I feel holy, godly. Maybe that's the reason I stay around you, you make me feel like I belong and if that's what God makes one feel like then I want you to teach me what it's like to love and be in a relationship with Him. I don't want to hurt you, I want to learn from you

I want to understand you, I want to understand what you're feeling. You're so young and naïve, so beautiful but so real. You're shy, painfully shy but so outgoing and determined. You know what you want and I've seen it, witnessed it but with me, I never know if you want me or not. I never know if I'm doing the right thing or not, I never know how you're feeling and I hate it. I want you to feel happiness and comfort when you're around me but I get a wisp of tight, polite smiles, I get a wisp of false feelings being shared because you're not comfortable around me. I understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable around me but I never know how to make you feel happy, I never know how to make you feel comfortable. And I don't think you do either.

But for some reason we're still around each other, still talking to each other, still feeling unknown feelings for one another and I feel you debating whenever I'm in orbit of you. I feel you thinking this boy is not good for me and I know it but what if I can change him? I can't change him, I can't help him but what if time helps. What if we work out? What will my parents think? What will God think?

There are too many 'what ifs' in our relationship and I fear you'll find your sense and leave me in your dust, in your wake, in her long road to success that is waiting for you. I pray that you stay senseless.

"You're the best thing that's happened to me." but I know you don't mean it. I know you're just upset and insecure and you feel ugly. I feel so unworthy of you and you feel wrong with me, I know it, I feel it. You know this isn't healthy. I know that I won't be happy without you, you're not my world - I'm not obsessed because you are whole without me but I've always said that two wholes are always better than one. Gosh, I can be so cheesy at times. You see me as broken, sad, lost and in need of you, someone, anyone. I made myself to be that way to you but there's so much you don't see and I want to show it to you, I want you to come out of your shell because your emotions are so beautiful, you are beautiful. I wish I didn't think about myself, my own sexual needs so often - leave me, I'm a growing teenage boy - so that I could notice how beautiful and rare and amazing you are. You have flaws and imperfections and you're not pretty, you're not athletic, you're not charming and you're definitely not confident but you let me in once and I'm here now, with no intention of leaving because you need to find yourself, the confident self, the true self and I want to be here to see it, I want to be able to say that I watched a beautiful girl sprout into a confident, sexy, successful women. Maybe that will give me leverage somehow to the men who will throw themselves at you.

You bury your head into my shoulder which is so unlike you so I pull you closer wishing I could tell you that you're not the best to me but the best heightened tenfolds because you have so much bloody potential and I hate it because it's just there, you're so bright and I'm so black, you're so beautiful and I just gawk in your presence, I just try to understand how you feel all the time so I can tell you that it's alright to feel like this, I'm just as confused. Most of all I wish I could tell you I love you.

But I couldn't, I would never because you wouldn't understand, I don't understand and that's not love, right? Unsureness is not a good sign and neither is confusion so I guess - for now - I'll just hold you until you're too shy to be this intimate or until you feel comfortable or until this cyclone of confusion is finally over and we can see straight again but we'll never breath right again, I know it, we'll always be drowning and I don't mind - not one bit - because I've always loved the water and I'll always love her, whatever shade of love that may be.