Only Ever You (Jaythan)

Chapter 12

I locked myself in my room as soon as I got home. I turned on my phone and scrolled through twitter.

Some of the tweets were really nice.

"Did you guys see the interview? #JAYTHANISREAL"

"OMG OMG JAYTHAN I CAN DIE HAPPY"

"@nathanthewanted @jaythewanted I support you no matter what, even if Max doesn't! xx"

And more like that. But an overwhelming amount said otherwise.

"I always knew The Wanted were a bunch of fags"

"Ew, @nathanthewanted you queer"

"Leaving the fandom, #TWisGay"

"Guys lets trend #TWisGay"

"@nathanthewanted Go die in a hole you gay freak"

And more and more. I watched my follower count drop dramatically. I watched my mentions fill with hate. I watched the loyal fans fight back. I watched it all.

And I hated it.

I hated myself for being gay.

I hated Jay for loving me back.

I hated Max for telling everyone.

I hated the interviewer for not stopping it sooner.

I hated the haters.

I hated everything.

I didn't want to starve myself again. That didn't work; they found out and helped me. I can't say I'm not grateful. But I need help. I need release.

I needed Jay.

I got up and walked into Jay's room. "Bird? You in there?" I asked softly. No reply. I slipped inside.

I checked the bathroom. He wasn't there, either.

A pair of sharp scissors caught my eye. I'd heard about people cutting. They said it helped. Maybe...

/No. You can't do that. It's an addiction. You might not get back./

But release...

/It makes you no better than what they say./

How would it feel? Just one cut, to see if it works. Then I'll stop...

I took the scissors and dragged the blade across my skin.

I watched drops of blood trickle from the wound. The physical pain took my mind off the mental pain. Yes. This was what I needed. I drew another cut.

I heard footsteps approaching. I quickly put away the scissors, grabbed tissue paper, and rolled down my sleeves.

Jay poked his head into the room. I smiled.

"I was looking for you," I said, walking over to him and giving him a hug.

He hugged me back. "I was looking for /you./ I knew you would get more hate than me. I was scared to think about how you might react."

I froze. "What do you mean?"

"I thought you might start cutting or something."

I plastered on a fake smile. "Jay, would I really do that?"

"No, I guess not when I think about it. You've gotten better since Natalie."

I hugged him again. But this time I knew I'd let him down.