The Right Way to Write a Book

Me

Sometimes I am breaking apart.

I have all these stupid little problems.

I make everything awful.

Mess everything up.

And I beat myself up over every little thing.

What's wrong with me?

Some people don't fit in or are picked on

Because they have a disability or are "fat."

But I'm just me.

What's my excuse?

Maybe that's just my disability;

Being me.

But you see,

Now I want to change.

But I'm always afraid of it.

What if people don't like me?

What if people do?

I shouldn't care,

But I do.

Why is this?

Maybe it's because the more I look at myself,

The more I hate myself.

And all those times when everything seemed like it was starting to get better,

Everything collapsed.

It was like a slap in the face.

Like "how could you even think that it could ever get better?"

I mean,

Like they said,

What did I not do?

I screwed everything up already.

But now I'm trying so hard to be happy,

For you.

But now I don't want to be the cause of your pain.

I don't want to stay here.

'Cause if I happen to say that I didn't sleep

Or that I'm hurting myself in any way,

Then you're gonna hurt yourself too.

I don't want you asking if I'm alright and having to lie to you.

I don't want to leave because it'll hurt you more.

But I don't want to stay if it means hurting me more.

And you've done so many other horrible things to me.

And I'll always say that you never hurt me,

Even if you're the only real one that did.

You're the real person that made me do the things I did.

And it hurt you in a way, too.

It's such a stupid paradox that we cannot fix without both of us hurting.

So now I'll just smile through the pain you once brought me.

Cause I'm kicking you out of my life.

You've hurt me enough,

And I hurt myself.

I can't battle two things at once,

So I'm glad that you're leaving.

I can fight my demons myself,

All you did was morph into one.

There are too many problems,

Too many stories,

Too many memories locked away behind the doors of my mind.

So if you see me and my fake smile,

Remember,

A smile conceals it all.

It holds all your secrets.

It holds happiness and sadness.

Regret and hopefulness.

Love and hate.

Wonder and fear.

And maybe,

Just maybe,

One day this smile will be real.