When Darkness enters my mind

Fights of the night

I feel like I lie to myself, saying I'm fine all the time, but at the same time I don't want to be whiny by blowing up my problems and making them bigger than they are. I think. I can say I'm not depressed, but often I'm not sure if this is the truth. I dont want to hurt or kill myself, but I'm so unmotivated a lot of the time, often sad, have problems to sleep. I am tired. So tired from all this, I want to spend my life sleeping and doing the things I like, instead I don't do anything or have do to stupid crap all the time. I give way to many fucks. Is my family proud of me? Do people accept me? Do I get to do the things I like in the future? Do my family and friends even like me? Am I good enough? Am I stupid for thinking those things? I am so lonely, laying my bed at night, wishing for someone to hold me and tell me I'm okay. Honestly, I sometimes ask how much of my enthusiasm and happyness is even real and how much do I put up to satisfy the people around me. To satisfy myself? What do people really think of me? Do they think I am too annoying, too loud, too weird? I bet they do. Probably they think I try too hard, too. I do. I am terrified to be bullyied, terrified to be made fun of, terrified of a lot of things really. Mostly connecting to failiure and negativity. I am not the least confident person in the world, but some things still get to me, making me cry in the nights, showing my real self to nobody but the moon. Some things just hit really close to home as you would say. Triggering all the bad memories that I'm not really sure I have overcome completely. I burried them deep in my chest, forcing them out of my head, but sometimes they reappear on the surface of my conciousness, making me scream silently, the inner pain hard to deal with. I just, I just don't know. But I know that tomorrow I'll probably be happy again, a smile on my face. Yeah, I don't understand it either. A friend of mine said to me that I should visit a therapist to help me fight those thoughts and talk about them, but I'm scared. What if they say that I'm completely healthy? Will they think I'm an attentionseeker or something? Will I think I am? Or, maybe even worse, if they diagnose me? Whats going to happen then? But I might do it. Maybe. Is this normal? Am I okay? I can't tell sometimes, especially at night. I need to sleep now.

This chapter is a little longer and I hope you all like it. Thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it. I also added pictures to the last chapters, I often upload when I don't have wifi, so I can't add them then.