I told my mum about my worries, and my plan to go to a therapist. She accepted it, but she wasn't happy with it. She kept saying that it's normal and that therapists don't work, and I replied that I don't think it's normal and I want to try it out at least. Gladly, she stopped talking that way, but I know she still thinks it. And it scares me so much, because mothers are supposted to know their child pretty well, aren't they? So if she doesn't believe somethings not okay with me, why should I or anybody else for that matter? My head is buzzing all the time and I don't like it. All this shit is giving me a headache. I slept 2 hours yesterday, and almost 10 today and I'm equally tired, it's so stupid. And without wifi I can't really watch videos 'til I fall asleep, so I need to do other things or fall down the spiral again. I watched a video on anxiety disorders and when they talked about avoiding anxiety, I felt weird, because when I think about it, I do a lot to avoid feeling nervous, scared or uncomfortable. Like staying awake until I can't keep my eyes open to block out my thoughts. Or showering a lot more than I need to, just because I am scared that people say I smell bad. Or that I don't like eating infront of people, because I don't want them to think I'm fat or eat like a pig. Or that I don't like to tell people what I really interests me a lot because I fear they'll judge me. And a lot more things. That sounds a lot like avoiding to me. And I've been doing these things for years, often without even knowing why exactly. Guess I'm a little messed up.
Hope you like this slightly longer chapter. I kind of like it anyway.
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When Darkness enters my mind
PoetryLate night spirals of thoughts and worries Trigger warning: If you are sensitive towards constant mentioning of dark, depressing topics then you might not enjoy reading this.
