stain ☾ remus lupin

FIFTEEN

M I S T A K E S (2)
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"What the hell? You all sulk for over a month and then you end it with less than a sentence? You didn't even fully apologize for leading someone to their potential death by murder."

After a few seconds, a gasp escaped her lips as she realized what she had uttered . . . the horrible accusation she had spoken. Never had she ever thought of Remus as a murderer, but in her frustration she somehow managed to make it appear that way.

She wasn't the only one who seemed to be shocked by the words, the hug dispatched as Remus stared at her, the usual warmth of his coffee brown eyes fading to appear as cold, winter dirt.

"I didn't mean it like that," she whispered with wide eyes following his figure. He retreated across the room and disappeared behind the slammed door.

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The ground she walked across squished underneath the weight of her boots, the result of melted snow leaving the dead grass muddy. She crossed the grounds of Hogwarts with a determinedly raised chin, knowing exactly where she was going and what for. The tree they always sat under — not so much anymore as they did in their third year, but still every once in awhile.

He was already sitting there when she arrived. His back was hunched in a curved posture, something she normally would teasingly scold him for, but now was not the time. The hood of his coat was pulled up over his head. His windblown locks underneath hidden completely and leaving her with the strange desire to pull the covering back and stare into his eyes. The same warm, chocolate ones that always seemed to peer into her own when she needed them most. Her own lighthouse rooted in the midst of a chaotic sea that she called life. They there to welcome her, because they were part of what she considered home — Remus.

She spoke his name from her scarlet lips, but instead of receiving the bright smile that she always took for granted in greeting, she received a slight nod of the head. Even the simple connection of gazes was not even given.

Feeling ten times more guilty by the minute, she slowly lowered onto the bench next to him, staring up at the tree above. Freya uttered the words, begging for the forgiveness she knew she did not deserve, because Remus Lupin was not a murderer. "I'm sorry."

"I know," he mumbled after a few seconds of silent hesitation. Her hand involuntarily twitched, questionably telling her to intwine it with his, but she restrained herself.

Freya lowered her surveying eyes to the rough denim pants that coated her legs, tugging the jacket tighter around her body. "I didn't mean to say that Remus, I have and will never think of you as ... well, in that way."

"I know," Remus repeated again, this time with with no hesitation but a slight wavering of the voice.

"You are mad at me," she stated as more of a fact than an actual inquiry, but she couldn't blame him.

He sighed, straightening up his back, "I'm not, Freya."

"You're my best friend," Freya said softly, "I can't be fooled that easily."

This time his head turned in her direction, a dark shadow crossed his face from the shade of the hood and the tree above them. She watched as he scrubbed his foot against the ground, something he did when he became unable to form his next words. Patches of dead grass became unrooted underneath the pressure of his shoe.

"I'm not mad at you. I'm not anything at you for the moment," he finally spoke, "It's more of something, actually numerous things, that I am for you."

The direction of his eyes tugged back with the position of his head as he turned back into his temporary solitude, away from her furrowed eyebrows and icy blue eyed stare.

"And what is that?"

"For one," he spoke clearly, sounding as if the words had been trapped in a rusting cage for quite some time and were finally able to flutter out into the light of day, for now she was there to listen to their song, "I am frightened for you, because I —"

"Remus —"

"I won't go into it because you're just like the lads. You won't accept it."

"You're right."

He paused for a moment. She hadn't noticed until then that the hood had slipped from his face, but when she glanced his way she saw his gaze on her, a small smile tugging his lips.

"What else?"

"You said I was mad at you, but the thing is I am mad for you."

It took the words a few moments to sink into her mind like a rock into a body of water; but when they finally were able to, they did not disappear underneath the depths of a lake like any rock would no matter pebble or stone, they stayed imprinted prominently in her thoughts. Remus had proclaimed his infatuation with her on the train before holiday, but nothing else had been said — nothing like this.

He seemed to take her silence as his answer. Feeling slightly daft, he arose from the bench and paced rather quickly towards the castle. The same word twisting and turning in his conscience — stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

When the forty-second or so negative word had finally slipped from his gritted teeth, something caught hold of his elbow. When he turned, there she was. An entirely unsure yet steadfast look was all he could read from her eyes. Quite an odd combination. Perhaps he was reading her wrong, after all it was hard to study someone's eyes when they would not connect with your own. Her gaze was busy elsewhere — locked onto her hand that had wrapped around his elbow. She felt entirely clumsy doing so, as she had aimed for his shoulder, the height difference making everything more difficult.

Freya was awkward, never having made such a confident move. Remus was awkward as well, but in the sense that he never expected her to make such a move. Surprise seemed to fill them both as she stood on her tip-toes, smashing her lips onto his. It only took him a few seconds to push away the element of surprise because oh did he want to kiss back.

He was able to savor it now, the combination of peppermint chewing gum and her regular morning cigarette. His hands somehow found the small off her back that was buried underneath the heavy jacket that she wore.

The goofy grin that crossed his face as soon as she pulled away did not fade away that night.

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a/n: not as long as my normal chapters oopsadaisy so I'll update this weekend as well

thanks for 5k reads ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) !!

qotd: nearest thing to you?

aotd: a chair. how boring