Journal of John Winchester (Supernatural)

November 21

The boys are with Pam and Bill in Elgin. I haven't spent a whole night away from them since Mary died, and I can feel it like a hook in my gut, wanting to get back to them, protect them. But H says I need to talk to Mary again, and if he can make that happen . . . He goes on about demons. A demon killed his wife, he says, and just expects me to believe it. But what he looks like to me is someone who let grief turn him into a monster. Whatever happened to his wife, it doesn't excuse what he's done. And I can't let myself turn into him. I'm not a hunter. I'm a husband and father who wants revenge for his wife. Here's what I wish I could say to Dean-Your brother's too young to understand any of this, but you're beginning to. And that scares me. Since your mother died, I've seen unspeakable things, and now you've seen them and that's my fault. I feel the darkness of the road I'm traveling on now. It's not a place for you. One day you'll see-I had to leave you today . . . but when I'm done, I promise you: the day will come when I never have to leave you again. Until then, I can only pray that you're strong enough to look after Sam. One of us has to be.