Journal of John Winchester (Supernatural)

November 2

Mary has been dead for six years. Today I overheard the boys

talking about her, about her death. Sammy’s old enough now

to be asking hard questions, and I think that’s making Dean

think about some things that he’d put away until now. He’s a

tough little kid, Dean. Like me. But he’s also like me in the

way he holds things in. Now his little brother is asking him

things and he’s got to figure out a way to protect Sammy while

Sammy’s questions put him through the emotional wringer all

over again. And what do I do? They were talking to each other.

If I butt in, they’ll clam up. They’ve got the kid bond, the kind that keeps adults out. They’d tell me what I wanted to hear,

but the truth is I can’t get at the real way they feel about their

mother, because I can’t let them get at my feelings. It kills me

every day. There’s no way to tell them that. We have to go on

and find whatever killed their mother, my wife. Mary.

For the boys’ sake, I’m going to try to stay in one place for

longer. Keep the hunting trips to a few hours’ drive. At least

until I have a firmer lead on what killed Mary. Then all bets

are off.