my story- unleashed

chapter 11

after i was done reminiscing, with the finite tears i went to sleep.
next morning when i wake up i knew this  was going to be a hard day. he'll be too close yet so far, mine but still not mine. 
with a heavy heart i got up and got dressed for the last meet. 
i knew i wouldn't go in 5 mins without crying so i didn't apply kohl. 
i gathered all my courage and went to the place decided. he was already there wearing my favorite white shirt. why is he doing this? 
i smiled and walked towards him.
"i won't cry. i am not weak.  this is just a teenage breakup phoebe you won't cry. not even a single tear you get it?" i told my inner self.
1 second of eye contact and there came a tide of tears. his hair were messy as usual. i didn't have the guts to set them up like i always used to and then he said it. shit.
"won't you set them up please? one last time?"
damn. all my shields and walls are wrecking up. 
i can't hold back anymore and i know how much i try and how much i control, the tears would break all the dams so i let them out.
"okay. one last time" i said pushing his hair back and setting up the way i like them. not too messy and not too good.

"you better start taking care of yourself i won't be there anymore to be your nurse you get that?" i said sobbing.
"you know i don't like those little droplets streaming down your eyes?"
"i know but its not easy to give up on my favorite job"
"which job?"
"hovering over you, setting up y/our hair, reminding you about your doses, most importantly loving you"
"aren't you something else? you just know how to get under my skin"

"you did this purposely right?"
"what?"
"this shirt. you wore this on purpose didn't you?"
"you know me the best!"
"why did you do this?"
"our last should be perfect shouldn't it?"
and before i could utter a word he pulled me close to him and our lips met. i could feel his lips tremble and the salty taste from my tears had made it all the more intense but in that moment  I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquisite way. All my longings, all my dreams and sweet anguish, All the secrets that slept deep within me came awake, Everything was transformed and enchanted for the last time. 
 I brought my hand to the back of his neck and leaned into him, sliding my fingers into the curls at his nape. His arms clasped tighter around me. I sighed just a little against his mouth, feeling that it was almost too much, all this newness, this feeling that there was space and light inside me I'd never noticed before. Every part of me down to my fingertips felt like reworked glass, melting into some new shape, my edges beginning to glow. I wanted to do nothing but change this way, pressed against his body, his warmth and goodness, forever.

without speaking i went away. the ache was not just limited to my heart, it had reached  all the parts of my body. i felt purposeless. 

i returned home. that day i did something reckless which i do regret. i don't know in what mind did i use the blade. i guess i wanted to elude from the mental pain. 
i didn't want anybody to see the scars and so i started wearing full sleeves shirts for a little while. 

next day in the evening i was out walking with carolina and iqra. it had been a long time and even though we were laughing and smiling i knew they were on the opposite side of an unseen river between us. 
and then i saw him coming. my heart beat raised to another level. i know he would guess it in a minute and i didn't want to face him. 
if i had the choice to migrate to greenland or face him, i would choose the former. 
unfortunately i had no choice here and so i waved a hello. i kept my head down looking here there basically everywhere expect at him. 

that was it. he knew something is wrong. 
"can i talk to you?"
"sure"
"alone"
"oh okay"

so we went to the badminton court near the park behind my house and he asked me 
"why did you do that"

"i wanted relief"
"from?"
"from the mental pain."
"you know i'm fucking angry at you right now and i really want to hit you so hard but i cannot and therefore i have decided to never talk to you ever again."

he literally screamed on top of his lungs. i had never in the 4 months seen this kind of behavior towards me. i was shocked and scared. i didn't know what to do so i just walked away and he too just walked away.

i was so tired by then i just took the car keys and locked myself in the car to sleep.
it had just been 30 minutes that i felt somebody knocking hard on the window of the car. 
they were iqra and carolina, with them came shocking discoveries. 



note: some credits to good reads.