Broken Home ~ (5sos)

23.) Fuck This

Pandora's P.O.V

"Okay Murphey, thanks for calling." I said as I hung up my phone and threw it across the room.

He just called me to tell me that he can't help me. My aunt filled out a restraining order against me last week and it was all approved today. I can't see Jeremy or Miya until they each turn eighteen, then they can come find me.

I flopped down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling and covered my face with my hands.

My head is full of so many thoughts.

What will they do without me? What will they think of me now? Will they even wanna see me when they are able to? If they don't, I don't blame them. But I tried to fix this, there's just nothing I can do about it.

If I go see them, I will be arrested.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel like suck a failure.

"Panda? What was that crash? Are you okay?" I heard Mali ask from outside my door.

"Yeah I'm all good. Just dropped my phone behind the bed. I got it now." I said back and I just heard her laugh and walk away from my door.

I need some time to think to myself.

I grab clothes out of my dresser and walk out to the bathroom after picking my phone up off the floor. I cracked the screen, but it still works. Thank goodness, I would have died if my phone stopped working.

I walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I set my stuff on the counter and turned on the water, extra hot.

I climbed in and sat on the shower floor and let the water run down my body.

I could see my razor sitting on the side of the tub next to me, and it is very tempting.

I haven't done it in a long time. Not since my mum was alive. The last time I did it, she caught me and made me promise to never do it again.

And at this point, it is really hard to not break that promise.

She's gone. My siblings are gone. I have no family left, and I have no idea what to do.

Depression is weird thing.

It's like, one day you wish your life would just end. Then the next day you are able to smile and act as if nothing is wrong because something goes your way for once.

I think that's what people don't understand.

Just because you have depression, doesn't mean you can't be happy. You can be, but depression makes it very hard to stay that way. Your emotions can switch in an instant and then you have to adapt to it, no matter where you are or who you're with.

Depression can control you whenever it wants, but it can also leave you alone for a day or two and then come back so much worse then you ever thought possible.

That's what leads to the urges.

I only ever wanna cut after I have been happy for so long. Cause once it comes back full force and ruins my life for weeks at a time, I always feel as though it will never get better even though I know it can get better. And it will.

Before I could even think about it anymore, I grabbed the razor and drug it across my wrist and I instantly felt better.

I did it three more times before I heard knocking on the door.

"Pandora, I need to talk to you." It sounded like Ashton.

I panicked and turned off the water and grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself and whipped the door open without thinking.

"Oh my god. Pandora, what have you done?!"