Change in Life

Chapter 14. Atonement

The red glow from the underside of his eyelids assured Blake that he was still in this world as he woke. He forced open his eyes, drained of strength, then closed them straight away as the sun pricked them like needles. Though it was afternoon, he failed to notice the sun's warmth, only the cold winds that gently tousled his fur. In a way, he was glad for the cold. Any other time of year his blood wouldn't have clogged so quickly and he would have bled out.

In the way of noticing the swollen pain of the bites, he felt betrayed. He felt the remorse Jade excreted as she attacked him. Her subconscious was stopping her from killing him. He thought that once he had blacked out, she would change back to her normal peaceful self and stay with him until he regained consciousness. Like a tow rope hauling too much weight, the connection he felt with her snapped. He thought he knew her.

A heartbroken tear rolled out of his eye.

The same emptiness that compacted his chest was the same he felt when he forced himself to break off his pleasantly developing relationship with Sky. It hurt. A lot. But this time he was on the receiving end of the blow. Having it forced upon him was a terrible experience. He never knew a pain like this. On reflection, he suffered even further when he starting thinking of what Sky had gone through when he had said "sorry, it's not going to work". What kind of a monster was he that he could do something like this to someone he cared about and not think afterward - not until now - of what was going through her mind?

Blake understood the reason Jade attack him, yet it was completely unjustified, even if Blake did believed he deserved it. He wanted to be mad. He wanted to scream and break something. He had done so much for her and she repaid him with teeth.

In the end though, he did what he had been doing for so long before Jade enriched his life. All survival thoughts were no longer felt needed, so his human trait took control. He fell into a well of severe despair. Still, he waited, wishfully. Jade had to have cooled off and was now coming back. Even as the crows made worrying flights past his body, he stayed.

*

This only lasted a couple of hours. He was in the open in the daylight. Not good for a fox. With maximum effort, he got up slowly with bloody leaves stuck to his neck. Jade's attack of blind rage had sapped all his strength, both physically and emotionally. Moving was a chore in itself and the will to go anywhere was hard to do. With more of a stagger than a walk, the lonely fox made his way through the woods. With each step, he pined softly. He lost his reason for staying in this world. All life had no meaning anymore.

Continuing to walk, not even hunting, he arrived at the place he hoped he would have forgotten about by now. His tiny rabbit burrow. He sighed before he entered as he thought of what he had hoped to have with Jade. Once a warm tidy hole in the ground when he first found it, all it held now was the cold shards of shattered memories. For a long time he had Jade to help keep a chamber cozy. He tucked himself into the tiny chamber and wept as he fell asleep, preparing himself for the nightmares of the separation that were to come.

He couldn't sleep properly. Over time, he had gotten used to her soft body leaning into him. It made them both comfortable. He wanted to feel her back pushing against his chest and her ears occasionally flicking past his nose. He even wished for the pins and needles in his legs from having her body lying on them. Anything that would remind him that Jade was there.

Slowly, the burrow began to warm from his own heat. Not the warmth he wanted though. He wondered if Jade was experiencing the same loneliness.

*

The next night came and he wandered into the cloudy darkness. Terrified of the familiar surroundings he had become accustomed to, he hunted with no will to eat. If it were up to him, he would have chosen to lie down and wait in a quiet place somewhere, either for Jade... or death. Whatever came first. Without Jade, his morale was at the lowest point possible.