Change in Life

Chapter 22. Resolve

It was only one night. One beautiful night of connection that had to take place before either of them caved in from stress. One night where was boundaries of Blake's mind were finally allowed to be crossed and freedom found its place in his psyche. That far reached goal was something that had been earned from the grips of resenting influences that were, by right, his to mould. All from that one night where he felt he could conquer everything had now been thought of with stricken regret.

But it only needed to be one night for those nightmares to take that joy away. The images that flashed in his head that night as he slept needn't say more. He was convinced of it. Of all the happiness he felt back then, all it served now was to pummel any and all feelings of unending and immortal affection he gripped resistantly while his increasing shame lightly coaxed him to inevitably believe in that one fact: Bonding with Jade had been a mistake.

It had been three weeks since Blake had his horrible dream, but it still played games in his mind. Though he only witnessed her death by his hands vie multiple means in one agonizing day, the chilling echos would not let up. No matter what he did to cope or deal with the sleep trembles that plagued him, the thought of Jade dying haunted him.

Through his entire trauma, he still didn't tell Jade about it, although he suspected she must have figured something was awry by his tired drawn out gaze and increased, if not overpowering, affections he gave as a means to fight against the malevolent thoughts. He thought that it would be safer if he kept it to himself, but it was doing his mind harm by not telling her. He was about to go insane. Jade had always been the one - well, the only one - he had gone too for counselling. Not being able to do so made him realize just how inane he was at solving his own problems.

So now because of his overly protective instincts that he found himself sitting at the top of the hill, alone, looking over the same spot that changed his life. No invoking auroras from the sky, no mysterious fields of wildflowers, and most thankful of all, no shooters wearing his face. Jade's forward affections from the mating season lifted its spell from her the day after they bonded. And being constantly hassled by a fox, despite being head-over-heals for him, made her narky. Blake's protection only lasted a day, and when Jade didn't get a clear reason why he was doing it so, she basically told him to back off with a baring of teeth.

This time alone gave Blake time to think. He began to think of ways to stop thinking about his dream once more, whilst also on how he could break the disturbing fact to Jade that he had many dreams of him killing her. How could one tell the one they love that a part of their mind wanted them dead? It was shocking to even think about it, let alone try and act. Whilst pondering, another tangent thought came to him that made him slump over onto his hind leg with reserved guilt. Looking at what a dream was the way a movie writer might see it, if he had the dream it usually meant that it was going to happen no matter what. If his dreams were a look into the future, then what he was doing now was leading up to it happening. All actions taken to prevent it would be superfluous.

Blake folded his ears and hung his head down low. Movie idea or not, it seemed like it could be the only viable explanation. Jade was going to die by his cause and there was nothing he could do about it. All he could do was simply wait for the inevitable... and hope he could hold back.

It won't happen, he thought defiantly. It means nothing. You're being stupid! Stop looking into this so deeply, you fool.

This was true in a sense. He'd had dreams where he was flying one second then breathing water the next, remembering nothing on how those two instances had intertwined. Stuff like that was hardly going to happen. It was all a frame of mind. The release of his wild conscious must have sparked all those other aspects that had made themselves present in that first dream that were relevant to true wild self. The field of skins could be his hunting skills being recognized, the rose over Jade's ear was his love for her blooming, and the auroras were his new lease on life being seen as beautiful. The conjuring image of himself in his father's clothing could just be his initial paranoia of being caught by hunters. And that was very respectable, considering what he was now. Every wild creature had trepidation towards man. Why should he be any different?