Getting Over Matt

21 - "I'm ready."

Chapter 21 - "I'm ready."

I knew I'd be hounded by Jess as soon as I arrived in school on Monday, and sure enough, she didn't even greet me with a 'hello'. She launched straight into the interrogation.  

"Did you really kiss him?" she asked.  

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "It's not a big deal." 

"It's a huge deal! Was it good?" 

I shoved my key into my locker. I didn't especially want to think about it; that kiss was something that both Nathan and I wanted to move on from and forget.

"It wasn't like that, Jess." 

"Everyone's talking about it." 

"I can imagine," I said dryly.  

"So how did it happen? Were you both drunk? Are you together now?" 

The questions came out in a fast flurry, one after another; I knew she wouldn't settle until I'd told her the whole story and, in fairness, I'd have wanted to know, too, if I were her.  

"No and no," I replied. "I saw Matt dirty dancing with Lucy and so I asked Nathan to kiss me. I know it was wrong and he knew I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. It didn't mean anything." 

"How could it not mean anything?" She frowned in confusion. "He really likes you, and I know you're starting to develop feelings for him, too." 

"Because it wasn't like that." 

"I don't get it." 

"Please, Jess," I said, shooting her an apologetic smile, "I don't really feel like talking about it." 

I understood her perspective,  but reliving the kiss sent shame spiralling through me. It genuinely had been a mistake, one that could have cost me my friendship with Nathan. As I walked to lessons, though, everyone was staring, and this time it wasn't because of Matt. Nathan had said that people would forget about Matt's cheating once there was a new piece of gossip. He'd been right—but the new piece of gossip still involved me.  

At lunch, the energy between Nathan and me felt relatively normal, so that brought me some comfort. We'd agreed to try to forget the kiss and so both of us were making an effort to carry on as usual, as if nothing had changed.  

During a lull in conversation, however, my eyes wandered the room and landed on Matt. He was sitting with Lucy and Kara. He never sat with Lucy and Kara. Did that mean they were going out? Did something happen between him and Lucy? My good mood plummeted. When did Matt and I become like this? How could I have gone out with a person who was willing to hurt me in this way? Had he lied every time he'd said he cared? 

"What's up?" Nathan asked me, nudging my hand to get my attention.  

I shook my head and diverted my eyes back to my food. "Nothing." 

He glanced over at Matt. "Nothing happened between him and Lucy if that's what you're worrying about." 

Guilt churned in my stomach. Nathan didn't deserve to watch me sulk over Matt, especially after the weekend's events. I felt like I was constantly playing with his heart, leading him on and then letting him down every time I got upset over Matt.  

"I asked Jess," he continued. "I wanted to know whether I needed to pre-warn you about gossip." 

His thoughtfulness touched me, but then again, what else did I expect from Nathan?

"Thanks." I tossed him a grateful smile.  

"I was wondering if you wanted to come round tonight," Nathan then said, distracting me from Matt. "You know, watch a film or whatever."