Stuck In The Middle (on hold)

Thinking of Our Future

After my little encounter with Eric, he's been avoiding me for the past three days the bruising has turned a rich purple-red and now I'm certain that either Eric or Uriah has seen the Finger marks. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. He has done worse... A lot worse. I shiver at the though and turn over. The thick organic quilt moves with me so that I have the struggle of fighting with the quilt to get comfortable again. I'm worried that if I date Eric he will get hurt or that he will hurt me. I wish I knew what he is thinking. I hate when he pushes me out and hides what he is thinking or feeling. If only he would talk to me. If only we could communicate better. On both sides.

I scoop my hair into a messy bun and watch my fringe defiantly fall over my face. Making no attempt to sort it I tug on my Pyjama bottoms. I could just leave the tank top on instead of changing into a new top. It's so early for me to be heading to bed, but I'm just so tired. It's almost as if I'm just tired on living life the way I am and not having a clue on how to make a change. I've eaten little, slept a lot, gotten paler, and cannot be bothered to do anything.
Uri comes in and talks to me for a little while before he goes to bed sometimes. He always cracks a joke or news on Rob, who's been asking about me, as well as the horses. Randy has finally found a mate. Valintine. A beautiful spotted grey and white.

I peel my eyes from the reflection in the mirror to the bed as a loud yawn takes over my thoughts pleading that I rest some more. I've only been awake for two hours. I have things I need to do... Well probably one thing I need to do, and that is to try and make Eric spill the beans. I yawn again and shuffle over to the door when my phone goes off. I glance at it and see the caller ID. Great. Christina if trying to get ahold of me. Hasn't she done enough damage. I leave it in my room as I head out to Eric's room. "No! Look Christina, tris doesn't want to talk to you. She's not well, and doesn't need your bullshit." He barks obviously on the phone to Christina. At least someone has my back. I hear a grunt and footsteps I jump away from the door just as it opens.

His eyes give me a quick once over before landing in my own. We both stand saying nothing. This is more awkward then it has to be. It hurts too, knowing that he doesn't want to talk to me about what is bothering him.

"What's bothering you lately?" I ask carefully placing my hand on his forearm. Eric shakes his head in reply and continues to stare at me. "Please tell me." I beg.

I want to know what's going on it that head of yours Eric.

"I know that that is a hand mark on your face... Why didn't you tell me he done this when I asked you?" He question tears swimming in his eyes. I didn't tell him because he doesn't need to worry about that. I can deal with it. I know he really cares for me but this is something I keep to myself.

"Because I can deal with it on my own. I have been for a while and it is not that big of a deal." I answer. This is my problem not his. He doesn't need my burdens.

"But you don't have to deal with this alone anymore. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me too and I can take care of you." I trust him but I don't what him to get hurt by Four. I was told not to tell anyone or he will hurt them.

"Okay, but you can't tell anyone and you have to act like you never found this out." I whisper bringing myself closer to him. If only life could be simple. With Eric I get that opportunity, but I'm used to being in the relationship I have with Tobias and I don't know what he'd be like if I left him.

"I won't tell a single soul. Just don't hide things from me anymore. I want to know everything that happens and I want to know because you are important to me." He mumbles wrapping his arms around me, nuzzling my hair. His affection is more than I'm used to. Four was never like this with me, in fact he does the complete opposite. "Let me care for you. Let me protect you." He whispers into my ear. I want to say yes but I don't know if my heart lies with Tobias or with him. I'm so used to having Toby around that it is difficult to find peace in my sleep. I miss him being by my side when I slept. I miss the way he would watch over me whenever I went out. The way he always let a crooked smile take his lips when he was nervous or worried. I miss the way he had left a single rose on the cabinet before he went to work. I miss it all. However, I know that I am probably better off if I leave him. I can't marry someone who beats me. What if we had a child together, would he do the same thing to them? I love him but I find it hard to see a future for me and Toby.

"Well," Eric goads softly into my ear, "do you want more time to think?" I nod rapidly and release a long wind if air. At least Eric understands the need of time.

"I'm sorry I just don't know where my head is at. I'm so confused and conflicted. I'm just so used to being with Four that it's hard for me to see any other way. I love you though." I force myself to stop rambling on and feel my emotions swelling up. Tears blur my vision as I bite down hard onto my lip blocking the sobs from submerging.

I want something better, I want to see myself with a future and a family. To be loved and to love with no aggression. I want to be able to see my future.